break ups, love, marriage, relationships, sex

“I’m a homebody” and other lines from broke boys

It’s no secret that in this game of dating, I have some pretty strong opinions, from the nonsense around cuffing season to the ambiguous AF notion of “talking”, I’ve got a lot on my mind. And it’s not without reason.

Since I keep the company of attractive, whole, successful women, I often hear stories that range from titillating to downright disrespectful. Just last week, I was briefed on a steamy rendezvous, getting ghosted, a great first date, and an “I like you, but”…disaster. And just when I thought I’d heard it all, I had one of the most ridiculous text exchanges in recent memory.

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“But Adri” you may say, “what’s wrong with this gentleman you’re dating coming over for wings and wine?”

Well, for one, this man and I have never been on a date. We met twice and barely know each other. Secondly, and this is important, it is highly untoward for this man, or any man I’m not in a relationship with, to invite themselves over to my home. This is not the first time a man has tried to come to my place or invited me over to his without knowing me. In fact, I wrote about my issue with it a while back. Thirdly, I don’t eat wings.

I was highly annoyed because I thought interactions like that were reserved for the young and the cashless. This was common in my early 20’s living in NYC and New Jersey.

I suppose since moving to the nation’s capital, I grew comfortable living in a bubble where men in their 30’s wouldn’t dare try such cheap gimmicks. I was rudely reminded that they exist. Still.

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And so with this knowledge, I have to inform my sistren that there’s games afoot- and the broke boys are out trying to finagle their way into your homes and pockets. So, I bring you: 5 [new age] broke boy lines

  1. “I’m a homebody” – this may be true but if he keeps saying it, it means he’s preparing to only stay home. You might as well empty your cart from Fashion Nova, baby. You ain’t going anywhere
  2. “There’s too much drama at these parties” – this is coded language for “I don’t want us to run into my current flings” or “I don’t have the funds for a few drinks”. Either way, bye.
  3. “How about I cook for you?” – this one is tricky because these new age scammer men have learned that less women are interested in preparing meals for any old guy but many will be impressed if he offers to cook. You just may be signing up for nights filled with spaghetti and jar pasta sauce.
  4. “I’m saving up to buy a house”– if his savings plan doesn’t have a line item for dating then guess what? He doesn’t need to be dating. A lot of these men will use that line because it very often ends the conversation. Who can argue with a hardworking man trying to purchase a home? Me- because I own a home and know what it takes. Furthermore, if he doesn’t have any room at all for the extras in life, he will be house poor if he is, in fact, “saving up for a house”. A man with a plan and purpose for you will be creative and show you a good time without breaking the bank.
  5. “I’m just interested in getting to know you one-on-one without a bunch of people around.” – BS. Staring in someone’s face while sipping cheap wine constantly doesn’t spark organic conversation. Nor does it give you an opportunity to see them in different, sometimes less than ideal circumstances. Go to an art show, play mini golf, go bowling, grab smoothies and walk around a farmer’s market. Those are the instances when you’ll see how someone acts in different places and spaces. Adults know that. Broke boys are trying to get a lot for little to nothing.

 

Toodles!

Adri

blog, dating, healing, love, relationships, sex

Death to “Talking”

I can’t believe in the year of our Lord, 2018, that I have to even write this.

It pains me to even bring it up but since we’re in the midst of the hell that is called “cuffing season,” I have to look out for my sisters.

It has come to my attention that men and women above the age of 21 are engaging in what is being called “talking”. That’s right, folks. You’re not reading a #flashbackfriday post. I’m declaring a State of Emergency on all things brokeboy and proclaiming that we end “talking” immediately.

I’m sure some of you may be confused. Before I get ahead of myself, allow me to break down the stages of dating, according to the little situationship that couldn’t.

Stage One: Two people meet. They’re attracted to each other. They converse as they get to know one another.

Stage Two: They go on outings (not dates), limited to free or near free activities.

Stage Three: “Talking”. This almost always includes sex. Talking also means they go out on dates. But they are not committed and are free to date and sleep with other people.

Stage Four:
Dating. It’s important to note that few make it to this stage. Most situationships toggle between stages 2 and 3, and usually only progress at the insistence of a frustrated woman. The primary difference between dating and talking is that dating usually involves more emotional investment. You’re free to openly flirt just as much as you’d vent to them about a tough day at work.

Stage Five:
Exclusive dating. They agree to only date and sleep with each other. They may be known among their friends and family as a couple.

Stage Six: Sudden death round. Ok, ok. I kid. This the relationship.

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I’m exhausted. I’m sure you are, too. And that is why I want to do away with the fluff in between meeting a person and being in a relationship. These barriers of entry are entirely left up to interpretation and are almost always set up to avoid accountability.

Ladies, let’s chat.

You know that guy that hits you up no more than 2 hours before he wants to “link up?” The one that says he’s just looking for a vibe? The one who looks good but you have listed as “Don’t Answer”? The one you fake cut off every quarter?

Y’all are not talking. You’re not dating. You’re not just hanging out. You, my beautiful sister, are SINGLE. As single as the dollar bill you fished out of your purse when he asked if you had tip money for the bartender.

I advise you to take your single behind out of the twilight zone and stop subscribing to this talking nonsense. No man who wants love, a relationship, and commitment with you would even bring such things to your doorstep. You know it. And I know it.

Kill it with fire.

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break ups, dating, love, relationships, self awareness, sex

Sometimes, you do it to yourself

Froth: worthless or insubstantial talk, ideas, or activities

In light of today’s daily prompt and recent celebrity gossip, I’ve decided to tell the straight-shot-no-chaser version of the scandal that is Tristan Thompson and Khloe Kardashian.

Some may consider celebrity gossip mindless fodder, or froth, but I often see and identify the meaning within these types of stories. This one is no different.

Here’s the breakdown: Khloe Kardashian began dating professional basketball player Tristan Thompson at or around the time his former girlfriend was heavily pregnant (his son is 15 months, so you do the math). They soon attended star-studded events together, were seen publicly almost daily (at least I think so), and a few months ago, announced that they were expecting a daughter.

Yesterday, allegations, along with videos, arose depicting Tristan in very compromising positions with women who were not Khloe Kardashian. Khloe is in Cleveland while she prepares to give birth any day now. Apparently, the Kard-Jenner clan is shocked, with a source noting that they, along with Khloe, did not “know how deceptive Tristan could really be”.

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Aight.

I’ll start off by saying that under no circumstances should a pregnant woman, or any woman, go through the stress and pain of cheating.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of way…Khloe…girl.

GIRL.

This woman is 33. I am having a hard time understanding how she could, with all of the money, resources, and fame at her fingertips, make a conscious decision to enter a serious relationship with a man who was expecting a child. Life and romance rarely play out like in the movies where everything would be perfect if not for a case of good guy, bad timing.

If the timing is bad, then so are the prospects of the relationship.

Which brings me to the title of this post. It is important to exercise accountability at the end of almost every relationship in order to reflect on how you either contributed to the demise or could have avoided the relationship altogether. This goes for personal, professional, and romantic relationships.

Personal accountability should not ever be conflated with blame or shame. No one deserves to be met with a terrible partner who is abusive, dishonest, or unfaithful. They are, however, responsible for guarding their heart and being mindful about who they trust with it. Yes, a man can switch up and become the worst kind of partner. It happens every day. You cannot control another adult’s actions. You can, however, control yourself and your response to poor treatment.

Khloe enjoyed nights on the town and fancy dinners while her boyfriend’s recent ex was giving birth. No amount of finessing should have convinced her that that was a good idea. Perhaps she thought that “the heart wants what it wants” or maybe that “true love wins”.

Maybe this is all an elaborate publicity stunt. Maybe there’s no merit to the claims. But there is a very real innocent life about to be born into a media storm and that’s the biggest concern in all of this.

It’s just a shame that it took something like this to throw a monkey wrench in Khloe’s plans.

Sometimes, you do it to yourself.

via Daily Prompt: Froth

dating, love, relationships, sex, valentine's day

#SecureTheBae : Your 6-week guide to boo loving on Valentine’s Day

You probably read the title of this post and immediately thought “Oh [bleep], Valentine’s Day is 6 weeks away?!”

Time flies when Trump is president – elect.  (By the way, we’re all gonna die.)

Anyways, I’ve written about the joys of being single on Valentine’s Day and I’m a huge proponent of cherishing your own company.

But this post ain’t that. Because let’s face it – while we can enjoy a solo day at the spa, having a tipsy brunch with friends, or the myriad of activities we can get into for the day of love, the reality is that there’s something special about putting on a slip dress and stepping out with bae for a night on the town. (With all drinks on him!)

So what do you do when the day is fast approaching, you want someone to get you a teddy bear, and your phone is drier than Tyrone Biggums’ lips?

Week One: Happy hour, you say?

You gotta go out to be seen and be seen to be taken out. So hit up the happy hours, even if you go to drink one glass of the house red. Get at least two numbers every time you go out. But remember, your likelihood of finding Mr. Right is nearly zero. You’re operating from a space that isn’t conducive to long-term happiness – desperation. Or urgency. I get it, I’ve been there. But don’t get it twisted. Your V-day bae isn’t a keeper. Manage your expectations and collect some digits.

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Week Two: Date nights and swipe right

According to the scholarly reviewed Adri Speaks research study, approximately 1/7 guys actually follow through after the initial number exchange. See why it’s important to get a lot of numbers in week one?  You’ve got to account for attrition.

This week will be about date nights and firing up your dating apps. If you’re reading this and want to get a box of pharmacy chocolates in 6 weeks, leave your pride aside. And that means leaving your ill-conceived notions about online dating to the curb, as well.

Tinder, Bumble, Soul Swipe, Ok Cupid, and Plenty of Fish are all free and all waiting for you.

Just remember, a date should be an outing. If he’s already asking you to come over to his house, he’s cancelled. Doesn’t make a plan and wants to “play it by ear?” Cancelled. Clearly only going out to see if he can see you naked later? Cancelled. Unless, of course, you wanna get naked. Condom.

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Week Three: Dial up the sexy

By this point, you’re probably scheduling another date with two guys and have a texting buddy or two with your online dating flings. Week three is crucial because this is when most people fall off. The guy determines if he feels like burning more gas / spending more cash and you decide if he’s worth your $50 foundation and contour palette.

This is probably the week where you’ve identified one guy that you like more than the others. Turn up the heat. Is there any physical attraction or is he as sexually arousing as a Ken doll?

You know when they say “dress for the job you want”? Well, you’re gonna have to dress for the date you want (right now). For the love of an hourglass figure, flaunt what you’ve got.

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Week Four: No new friends

This is purge week. Get rid of stragglers you don’t like and apply pressure to the ones you do like. At this point, it’s too late to tack on any new guys to the roster so don’t even waste your time. If you’ve done things right, you might even have a date for V day already lined up!

But don’t get rid of everyone and keep your online profiles active.

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Week Five: Murphy’s Law

Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. And week five is when guys may go ghost, pop up with a girlfriend, or reveal some other unsavory character about himself. Week five is recon week. This is the time to dig through your unread texts and messages and muster up a half-assed “sorry I’ve been swamped at work” response. It may not work but it’s worth trying.

But if nothing of the sort happens, great! You should already have plans set.

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Week Six: Basking in the ambiance

Congrats! You’ve completed the guide and it’s Valentine’s week. Now’s a good time to remember that this man is not your boyfriend. He’s a guy who was personable and polite, and who was willing to take you out and help you feel special.

Don’t make it more than what it was.

 

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P&L,

Adri

 

break ups, dating, insecure, sex

“Did You F-k Him?” That time I was almost Issa

SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't seen the latest episode of Insecure that aired on 11/20/16, please stop reading. This entry is littered with spoilers.

If you're a fan of Issa Rae's new hit show "Insecure" you'll recognize the title of this blog as the most pivotal point in the debut series to date.

After years of harboring resentment towards her kind and loyal but often broke and lazy boyfriend, Issa acted out by sleeping with her ex. Viewers across the country let out a collective curse word as they watched her betray Lawrence, her boyfriend of 5 years. What made it worse was that we saw it coming a mile away and couldn't do anything to stop this fictional character from contacting her ex, then hanging out with him, then agreeing to "chill" at the studio.

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But these kinds of scenarios are rarely black-and-white and while I hate infidelity (as someone who was cheated on by an ex who had no idea what "faithful" meant), I was once in a situation that almost made me take that step.

I used to date someone that I thought was I was going to marry. He was kind, devoted (sorta), and had a sense of adventure. But, like Lawrence, he lacked direction. He was always in and out of work. He had great ideas but limited follow-through. The financial burden often fell on me as I struggled to advance within my career while also being in graduate school full time. I was, as the kids call it, "holding him down" because I believed in him.

But as the months dragged on, I noticed something – he stopped trying. Like Issa, I'd often come to my apartment after working and see him chilling on the futon while watching Netflix.

It angered me.

I was angry that he wasn't doing more for himself. I was resentful that I was making it work and he was not. I essentially lost respect for him.

And that's why I started toying with the idea of going out with other guys. I'd say during our arguments (usually about money) that he's lucky because any one else would've cheated on him.

I knew I had to end things when I went out one day for happy hour with coworkers. One of them was attractive and secure and essentially an "itch I wanted to scratch". And believe me, I almost did. While kisses weren't shared or anything like that, I knew that if I wanted to take that step, my colleague would've been down with the get down.

But I chose not to because I thought about the guilt I'd feel afterwards. And THAT is when I knew it was time to break up.

And I did.

While cheating is always wrong in every aspect, sometimes people are not as skilled at stopping themselves before it's too late. We often overestimate our ability to control a situation.

The key is to be honest with yourself and communicate your issues as they come up. Otherwise, you could end up like Issa.

So ladies, what's your story?

Adri

dating, love, relationships, sex

So You Want to Maintain a Roster?

“Been a long time but I’m back with the jumpoff…”

So I got a lot of feedback on my last blog and I gotta tell ya, I couldn’t be more thrilled. The women were appreciative (well most were) and some of the menfolk…well…they’ll live. Remember what I said: hell hath no fury like a misogynistic man confronted with a woman who’s free.

But let me not waste time. I hinted on my social media accounts that there would be a follow up to the last entry and now I’m sharing how to maintain your roster.

Rule #1: Keep it light

It’s self-explanatory but let me go ahead and spell it out for those of us who are hard of hearing: KEEP. IT. LIGHT. I can’t tell you how many times my male friends could barely recall what a woman they were casually dating did for a living – let alone personal details about her life. But some women overshare. You wanna maintain a roster? Keep conversations surface level. Too much information means you’ll have to remember more things and/or feel closer to a mere bench warmer.

Stick to topics like music, reality tv, sports, and the president-elect. Donald Trump alone provides enough conversation material for months.

Rule #2: Remember the small stuff

I know what you’re gonna say: How can I keep it light but also remember the small stuff? Pay attention, because this is crucial: date as many guys as you want but NEVER let them feel like they’re number 1 out of __. Forgetting the basic stuff like their occupation is a recipe for a “you playing games” text. Avoid it by remembering one or two main things during your conversations. Bring up the stepbrother who once spilled hot chocolate all over his shirt. Mention the fact that he was a class clown. Commit that junk to memory because the devil is in the details.

Rule #3: Pace yourself

You are not Wonder Woman, Hermione Granger, or any other fictional character that can bend space and time. Going out with a different guy every day of the week sounds fun until you actually do it. You need a good 36 hours between dates to recharge. Don’t be me – asking a guy where he went to grad school when he NEVER WENT TO GRAD SCHOOL. You’re only human. Get some rest.

Rule #4: Don’t get caught up

This is a bit controversial. “What’s the point of dating if you don’t catch feelings?” you may be wondering.

Pump your brakes.

Dating with a roster isn’t necessarily meant to last forever but you certainly shouldn’t get rid of all the team members the second one of them shows real promise. Or have we forgotten Greg Oden?

Take your time, keep it light, and see who has real staying power.

Peace & Love,

Adri

dating, feminism, relationships, sex

Dating as a sex-positive feminist

Feminism. The buzz word that is as ubiquitous on the internet as a cat is in a bodega. I’ve probably come across hundreds- no- thousands of listcles and videos and articles about feminism. So much so that the word has almost lost its meaning in certain circles. But for better or for worse, it gets people talking. It’s controversial enough to reveal the ugly side of people yet daring enough to embrace those like me. It is a community that is loving, resilient, and sex-positive. And the last bit is what I have a hard time with- even though I shouldn’t.

I have stated openly that my brand of feminism is an amalgamation of traditional nuclear family ideals and radical sex-positivity. It’s liberating and safe and exactly what makes me love feminism to its core. I have the freedom to do what I choose regardless of my gender. Yet dating as this type of feminist woman has particular challenges that I continue to struggle with.

women-feminism-Women-Against-Feminism-facebook

I am not interested in dating men who try to debate the validity of feminism with me. I’ve been in this game for a few too many years to explain to a grown ass man why the sexes should be politically, economically, and socially equal. If I could get “it” my sophomore year of undergrad, then so could anyone. I come from an uber-religious West Indian home where I was taught things like “women shouldn’t whistle” (I whistle) and “women should play hard to get” (the only game I truly enjoy is Taboo). By age fifteen, I was a bible quiz winning, Catholic-school going, “homosexuals are going to hell” zealot. Then one of my best friends told me she was bisexual. And I completely lost it. Everything I knew about the bible came in direct conflict with everything I knew about my friend. And so that revelation- along with years of intense study of other religions (Judaism, Islam, Baha’i, etc) led me to expand my thinking in ways that I was previously afraid of. Now fast forward a decade and then some and here I am- a Christian spiritualist with an affinity for tarot and deep interest in astrology. And a *gulp* sex-positive feminist.

I encourage my friends to embrace the freedom that comes with sex-positivity. I believe that people should engage in sex that is safe, sane, and consensual. I’m just as much of a supporter of a couple who chooses to wait to have sex until marriage as I am of a couple that gets it in right after the first date. But when it comes to MY personal actions- I struggle with operating within the confines of society, my traditional beliefs, and sex-positivity. How can I be conservative and sexual? How do I convey that to men I’m dating? How can I be certain that the men who claim to understand won’t simply relegate me to “hoe” or “frigid” status? Women have yet to escape these harmful “hoe or housewife” binaries and many men are unable or unwilling to catch up.

Yes, I know that I should be able to do or not do whatever the hell I want. I have never been forced or felt pressured to do otherwise. But conversations get murky. Dating is difficult. Men typically throw out the “oh so you’re sex positive?” as to a way to determine just how soon I’m going to put out. In many spaces, feminist = hoe OR lesbian. And so my solution, as of late, has been to simply disengage. I think women are trying so hard to eradicate a system (patriarchy) that we didn’t create in the first place. Can we truly shift the tide?

I’m not sure if we can do it alone but I’m hopeful. After all, I’ve never seen a mouse in a bodega that had a cat in it.

music photos by clayton hauck for claytonhauck.com / everyoneisfamous.com
music photos by clayton hauck for claytonhauck.com / everyoneisfamous.com
dating, sex

“Come over and chill” is lame

It’s Friday night. You got home from work an hour ago and you’re drinking your favorite glass of pinot noir after a hot shower. You’re catching up on the latest episode of Being Mary Jane when your phone vibrates. It’s Rob, the guy you went out with twice over the last month and a half. Well this is a pleasant surprise.

R: Hey cutie

You: Hey there. Wassup?

R: Just got in, watching highlights from that Lakers game

You: Yea your boys trash now. My Knicks spanked y’all.

R: Yea whatever. What are you doing? I wanna see you, it’s been a while.

You glance at the clock on the stove. It’s 6:40. You don’t care for last minute plans but Rob seems cool, intelligent, and ambitious. You’re up for a quick bite to eat so you decide to go out with him.

You: Well I got in not too long ago. I could eat 🙂

R: Cool. I figured I can order some Thai, open up this Henny White and Cabernet, and you can come over and chill.

Joseline-Rolls-Eyes

Fellas, please stop inviting strangers over/ asking to come over if you have any intention of taking someone seriously. When you invite a quality woman that you barely know over to your house as a “date,” you’re communicating to her a few things (in no particular order).

  1. You don’t care about your safety. This woman is a virtual stranger that you shared a few laughs and maybe two meals with. Let’s not act like she can’t set you up to get robbed, be a stalker, or something worse. Ladies is pimps, too.
  2. You don’t value her safety. 1 in 6 women have experienced sexual assualt . You can swear to high heaven that you’re not a rapist and you’re likely right, but she doesn’t know that. And while the only person responsible for rape is the rapist, women often take certain precautions to do what little they can to avoid assault. Once she is alone with you, she’s essentially putting herself at a risk. By the way, getting a woman drunk/high so that she’ll have sex with you is rape.
  3. This is a purely physical situation. The moment you invite someone over, you’re implicitly communicating that sex is on the menu and you’re more than willing to partake in some.
  4. You’re cheap/lazy/unimaginative. Inviting someone over is almost always cheaper than going out. You don’t want to spend the money on a date so you’d rather have the fast food version on your turf. If you cared to show someone a good time but are on a budget, you’d likely think of things that are cheap or free. But you won’t. 
  5. You’re not worth her time. If she is looking to date seriously, then you’ve just canceled yourself by putting yourself in the category with the other losers she’s dropped. You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Ladies, if you seriously like someone, love going out, and want a relationship, don’t fall into the “come over and chill” trap. Let’s be crystal clear- once you set the tone for the situation (because it’s not a relationship), that’s it. Before you know it, you’ll be two months into “dating” Rob the chill guy but y’all haven’t done much going out besides stopping by Rite Aid to buy Plan B and picking up General Tso’s chicken from Cheung Hing #1 China Garden, which is around the corner.

You’re not unreasonable, mean, or anything negative for wanting to actually go out and enjoy someone’s company on neutral grounds. If you’ve really gotten to know someone and you’re both comfortable with one another, then by all means, enjoy their time at either their or your own place. But that’s determined by time, mutual respect, and comfort. A man worth your time should know that. 

So after he asks you to come over and chill, politely decline. Then delete his number, if you’re feeling extra ruthless. You have a date Saturday night, anyways.

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dating, sex

Netflix and Chill is Stupid (and so is Cuffing Season)

netflix

According to a carefully researched and peer-reviewed Instagram repost (original source unknown), we are currently in the preseason stage of cuffing season. This is the stage where, I presume, one has nearly finalized their list of carefully selected partners who they will spend time with or “cuff” during the cold months and holiday season.

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It’s utterly f*cking stupid.

Cuffing season belongs in the same fire pit of Netflix and chill. It’s just another phrase that young or immature people use to get away from actually committing to someone in a sincere and meaningful way. Their similarities are uncanny, so I’ve decided to dedicate a post to how they are similarly dumb.

  1. Netflix and chill, like cuffing season, was likely coined by a person(s) who didn’t have any coins or maturity to actually date someone seriously. With Groupon offering dinner date vouchers for two with a bottle of wine for $40, you’d have to be hard-pressed to use Netflix and chill as the default. Sorry not sorry.
  2. Netflix and chill is really built around cuffing season. It’s colder, so naturally, most people want to stay indoors. And since you’re planning your life decisions around Al Roker’s weather forecast, a movie on the ‘flix only makes sense. Sidebar: Autumn is great for haunted house visits, apple picking, jogs through the park, and hiking. C’mon son.
  3. Sex. The whole point of Netflix and chill is to get sex for the low low. And “cuffing season” really means “f-cking season”. Ho, ho, ho.
  4. Social media. Nearly everyone, including myself, jokes about these concepts because it’s funny. With Black twitter taking the world by storm, it’s only natural that we’d all rally around a few phrases (why you always lyyyyyyin) in camaraderie. But some dweebs are actually taking this seriously. And that scares me.
  5. They both hedge on dishonesty. Folks use “Netflix and chill” as opposed to “I’d like you to come over to engage in the naked dance”. Guide your decisions based on “cuffing season” instead of admitting to yourself that you’re afraid to be alone during the holidays and cold weather. Pro-tip: Tinder, snuggies, and books still exist. Use them.

Here are some useful things to do instead of Netflix and Chill. It literally took me 1 minute to find them. 

Date night 

Pumpkin picking 

Haunted ghost tour 

Peace & Love,

Adri