blog, dating, healing, love, relationships, sex

Death to “Talking”

I can’t believe in the year of our Lord, 2018, that I have to even write this.

It pains me to even bring it up but since we’re in the midst of the hell that is called “cuffing season,” I have to look out for my sisters.

It has come to my attention that men and women above the age of 21 are engaging in what is being called “talking”. That’s right, folks. You’re not reading a #flashbackfriday post. I’m declaring a State of Emergency on all things brokeboy and proclaiming that we end “talking” immediately.

I’m sure some of you may be confused. Before I get ahead of myself, allow me to break down the stages of dating, according to the little situationship that couldn’t.

Stage One: Two people meet. They’re attracted to each other. They converse as they get to know one another.

Stage Two: They go on outings (not dates), limited to free or near free activities.

Stage Three: “Talking”. This almost always includes sex. Talking also means they go out on dates. But they are not committed and are free to date and sleep with other people.

Stage Four:
Dating. It’s important to note that few make it to this stage. Most situationships toggle between stages 2 and 3, and usually only progress at the insistence of a frustrated woman. The primary difference between dating and talking is that dating usually involves more emotional investment. You’re free to openly flirt just as much as you’d vent to them about a tough day at work.

Stage Five:
Exclusive dating. They agree to only date and sleep with each other. They may be known among their friends and family as a couple.

Stage Six: Sudden death round. Ok, ok. I kid. This the relationship.

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I’m exhausted. I’m sure you are, too. And that is why I want to do away with the fluff in between meeting a person and being in a relationship. These barriers of entry are entirely left up to interpretation and are almost always set up to avoid accountability.

Ladies, let’s chat.

You know that guy that hits you up no more than 2 hours before he wants to “link up?” The one that says he’s just looking for a vibe? The one who looks good but you have listed as “Don’t Answer”? The one you fake cut off every quarter?

Y’all are not talking. You’re not dating. You’re not just hanging out. You, my beautiful sister, are SINGLE. As single as the dollar bill you fished out of your purse when he asked if you had tip money for the bartender.

I advise you to take your single behind out of the twilight zone and stop subscribing to this talking nonsense. No man who wants love, a relationship, and commitment with you would even bring such things to your doorstep. You know it. And I know it.

Kill it with fire.

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blog, break ups, dating, success

Some News

I’m writing a book!

That’s pretty much it. Some pretty crazy stuff has happened recently and it took those events and me centering myself to realize that I should be focusing more on the things I love.

I’ve started and stopped writing several books but this one is the one that’s coming out this summer!

It’ll be true to AdriSpeaks form: straight shot, no chaser. I don’t hold back, pull no punches, and give you more than what’s on this blog. I’ll be sharing some tough stories that I hope will empower readers to be the captains of their own souls.

Plus, it’ll have some pretty effective worksheets and exercises because I’m no one if not all about a solid action plan.

Of course, that means that I’ll likely be away from this blog for a little while. You understand, I hope?

P&L,

Adri

assault, blog, gratitude, healing, love, weight

Simmer but don’t Burn: Letting go of Bitterness

In response to today’s Daily Prompt: Simmer , I’ve decided to write about how and why I value “letting go” of painful situations and experiences.

I grew up on the higher end of the middle class spectrum in Queens, New York. My childhood was filled with generally “normal” things: class field trips, curiosity, some bullying/teasing, and excelling academically. It was also filled with not-so-great aspects; a painful relationship with my weight, discord within family, and often feeling that I didn’t quite belong.

Young adulthood brought more difficulty – eating disorders that spanned well over a decade, anxiety, anger, embarrassing break-ups, and sexual and physical assault. The sudden death of my cousin shook me to my core as my anxiety worsened and I became almost obsessed with my own and others’ mortality, my thoughts often plagued with the various ways that I could die.

A few years ago, a relationship that wasn’t right for me prompted an abuse of alcohol that I now recognize as self-medicating. I had not properly dealt with my trauma. I had not asked the tough questions or gotten the help I needed. What made my struggle particularly challenging was my fabulous talent for masking my emotions. My own mother said to me that she only learned a few years ago that I’m as sensitive as I am. In all of her Leo-ness, she wears her heart on her sleeve. If it’s hard for my mother – who’s about as involved and caring as a mom can get – to see me, then it’s pretty much impossible for any other person.

With all of that said, I go back to the title of this post. For those of us who cook, we know that simmering means to prepare something at a temperature just below the boiling state. Simmering breaks down cartilage in bones and thickens soups and stews. It is the difference between fluffy and burnt rice. Simmering is tough preparation.

Few of us have lived a charmed life and I recognize that we all internalize pain and trauma differently. I recognize that these things also manifest in our lives differently. But I learned something extraordinarily powerful a few years ago. I could either live my life as a reactionary response to my pain – or I could simmer in it. I could let the pain break me down but firm me up at the same time. I could feel it, acknowledge it and then…let it go.

Forgiveness is often met with derision from those who conflate it with absolution. But forgiveness is the foundation of gratitude. It’s when we forgive others and mainly ourselves, that we can begin to live a life free of the toxic dumpster fire that is bitterness. I’m not saying it can or even should happen overnight – simmering takes time. But eventually you have to get out of it. Because what lies on the other side is a peace so whole that you wonder why you couldn’t or didn’t try it sooner.

It’s possible to speak truth to power when you say these words:

“[ this person/ place/ situation] hurt me. I will never forget what happened. But I am not going to give the pain teeth. I will not allow it to take up residency in my heart. And I will certainly not allow it to mess with my energy moving forward. I release it. I release [person]. And I’m still here.”

I am not a guru. I am not an expert. I am, however, thrilled to be on this journey. And I want others to be able to feel what I longed to feel for so many years – better.

 

Peace & Love,

Adri

blog, Uncategorized

Blog back in Time

Have you ever wondered what you would say if you could talk to your younger self? I have. My latest endeavor will be called “blog back in time,” where I pull entries from my old blog called “words and thoughts”and parallel it with what I would say and do now.

I started that blog as a hurt 19 year old who desperately wanted to find healing after being heartbroken by her first love. I turned to my true first love- writing- in order to cope. While these entries were very personal, they  apply to every young lady who thought they knew everything but really knew nothing about love, loss, and forgiveness.

I hope you enjoy.