break ups, love, marriage, relationships, sex

“I’m a homebody” and other lines from broke boys

It’s no secret that in this game of dating, I have some pretty strong opinions, from the nonsense around cuffing season to the ambiguous AF notion of “talking”, I’ve got a lot on my mind. And it’s not without reason.

Since I keep the company of attractive, whole, successful women, I often hear stories that range from titillating to downright disrespectful. Just last week, I was briefed on a steamy rendezvous, getting ghosted, a great first date, and an “I like you, but”…disaster. And just when I thought I’d heard it all, I had one of the most ridiculous text exchanges in recent memory.

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“But Adri” you may say, “what’s wrong with this gentleman you’re dating coming over for wings and wine?”

Well, for one, this man and I have never been on a date. We met twice and barely know each other. Secondly, and this is important, it is highly untoward for this man, or any man I’m not in a relationship with, to invite themselves over to my home. This is not the first time a man has tried to come to my place or invited me over to his without knowing me. In fact, I wrote about my issue with it a while back. Thirdly, I don’t eat wings.

I was highly annoyed because I thought interactions like that were reserved for the young and the cashless. This was common in my early 20’s living in NYC and New Jersey.

I suppose since moving to the nation’s capital, I grew comfortable living in a bubble where men in their 30’s wouldn’t dare try such cheap gimmicks. I was rudely reminded that they exist. Still.

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And so with this knowledge, I have to inform my sistren that there’s games afoot- and the broke boys are out trying to finagle their way into your homes and pockets. So, I bring you: 5 [new age] broke boy lines

  1. “I’m a homebody” – this may be true but if he keeps saying it, it means he’s preparing to only stay home. You might as well empty your cart from Fashion Nova, baby. You ain’t going anywhere
  2. “There’s too much drama at these parties” – this is coded language for “I don’t want us to run into my current flings” or “I don’t have the funds for a few drinks”. Either way, bye.
  3. “How about I cook for you?” – this one is tricky because these new age scammer men have learned that less women are interested in preparing meals for any old guy but many will be impressed if he offers to cook. You just may be signing up for nights filled with spaghetti and jar pasta sauce.
  4. “I’m saving up to buy a house”– if his savings plan doesn’t have a line item for dating then guess what? He doesn’t need to be dating. A lot of these men will use that line because it very often ends the conversation. Who can argue with a hardworking man trying to purchase a home? Me- because I own a home and know what it takes. Furthermore, if he doesn’t have any room at all for the extras in life, he will be house poor if he is, in fact, “saving up for a house”. A man with a plan and purpose for you will be creative and show you a good time without breaking the bank.
  5. “I’m just interested in getting to know you one-on-one without a bunch of people around.” – BS. Staring in someone’s face while sipping cheap wine constantly doesn’t spark organic conversation. Nor does it give you an opportunity to see them in different, sometimes less than ideal circumstances. Go to an art show, play mini golf, go bowling, grab smoothies and walk around a farmer’s market. Those are the instances when you’ll see how someone acts in different places and spaces. Adults know that. Broke boys are trying to get a lot for little to nothing.

 

Toodles!

Adri

break ups, dating, friendships, healing

Depleted

I get it.

I finally get why people become angry and spiteful when they were seemingly joyful and light. As much as I am trying to resist what feels like the inevitable, it is a losing battle that I’m not sure I care to win anymore.

I am a giver. Not at the expense of my personal finances or health – I’m not a saint. But when I see people who are in need, I do what I can to help them. And 2018 demonstrated that my generosity, my willingness to extend myself, needs to be curbed, at a minimum.

Someone with whom I’d had a checkered friendship with took advantage of me. Even after forgiving her for several instances of abandoning me during the only times I ever needed anything, I continued to extend myself. And so, when she desperately needed help and had literally no one, not even her own family to turn to, I offered to let her live with me for an extremely modest fee. And when I asked for the money a month later, she refused, stating that because she never asked for help, and I offered, she didn’t owe me anything.

I’ve had to deal with the knowledge that someone who I invited into my space and my life would do something so callous, so selfish, that it’s hard to believe I was ever considered a friend in the first place.

This breakdown came on the heels of what I can only call the most emotionally draining and intense relationship I’ve been in. By my ex’s own admission, I poured everything into a relationship while ignoring my own major issues. He’s acknowledged multiple times that I am responsible for his newfound healing and reignited passion and focus.

Good for him. But where does that leave me?

The amount of times I’ve laid myself on the line for others only to be stabbed in the back or disregarded is embarrassing for someone who considers herself a self-care queen. Self-care isn’t painful. Self-care doesn’t leave you empty and barely willing to entertain men because you feel like the best parts of you are with someone who didn’t deserve it. Self-care doesn’t ignore a chaotic person’s habits and invites them in your home, anyway. Self-care is an act of rebellion. As black women, we need more than manicures and facials. We need to protect our peace by any means necessary. Aggressively.

As someone with depression, disappointing events, betrayals, and the like can have devastating consequences. I take ownership of my mental health and do what I can to ensure that I’m always in alignment with what’s best for me. For a long time, helping those close to me was an integral part of my healing. Not so much, these days.

As much as my family and friends associate me with my heart and my love for helping others, I have to hold what little bit of light I have left closely.

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I just don’t have any more to spare.

Adri