dating, feminism, love, relationships

So You Want a Roster?

You’ve thought about dating multiple guys. The idea always intrigued you.  “How does she do it?” you wonder, as you watch this woman effortlessly handle her professional and dating life with a fluidity you’ve only seen in movies with plot holes. Her weeks are filled with everything from brunch dates on the Hudson to court-side tickets at the NBA finals and as far as you know, she’s happy and secure.

Perhaps you came across my blog The Starting Five and while amused, you were left with a lingering question that lasted for weeks, or months….”how can I have a roster?”

I realized when  I wrote that blog that I did a disservice to those who had no idea what I was talking about. How could I so casually encourage women to date (not have sex with) multiple guys at a time and not even give them a strategy? I didn’t even toss you a bone. So for that, I apologize. I left y’all out there to fend for yourselves. Let’s hope you forgive me.

So you want a roster?

Step One: Treat Yo’ Self

How can you even think about dating some guy, let alone several, if you haven’t been good to yourself? Are you right spiritually? Mentally? Emotionally? Physically? When was the last time you looked in the mirror and told yourself you were sexy, and believed it? When was the last time you met with a therapist to work through some issues? When was the last time you threw caution to the wind and bought yourself that overpriced but totally worth it lingerie set?

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Step Two: Who The Hell Are You?

All jokes aside, do you even wanna date multiple guys? I know that I encourage it and I think it’s a great way to expand your options while also maintaining your standards. But it’s not for everyone. To that end, do you know who you are, period? Are you trying to fill a role that’s not meant for you? Because let me tell you, hell hath no fury like a misogynistic man who discovers he’s not the only one you’re dating. Are you prepared to take the heat with grace?

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Step Three: Look Good, Feel Good

Do you feel comfortable in your skin? Are you willing to forego the obligatory 20% per check to your savings account in order to get yourself that spa treatment just once? Are you comfortable among strangers? Take it from a loud-and-proud introvert, these things take practice. And in order to even be in a space to converse with a guy who approaches you or who you approach, you’ve gotta be able to move in a room full of vultures.

Challenge: Go to a bar during Friday happy hour – alone. Order a drink and strike up a conversation with anyone. Learn to embrace whatever awkward habits you think you have.

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Step Four: Get Out There

Home Depot on a Saturday, a sports bar during Sunday football, a spoken word event, live music at a local lounge, Meetup group, online dating, etc. How can you expect to build a roster if you spend every waking moment in the house or at work? Sure, you could bump into the man of your dreams over dog food at Petco, but this ain’t the movies. In reality, the guy at Petco looks just like his French bulldog and smells like her, too.

Get in the habit of going out to handle your errands. Strike up conversation. I love Amazon Prime as much as the next person but why not pick up those light bulbs at the hardware store? I’m not telling you to be on the perpetual hunt. Just be willing to get out and smell the roses. Name a scout who stays home all day and watches videos of prospective talent. She/he goes out on the field or court and sees them live and in-person. You should do the same.

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Step Five: Protect Yo’ Self

You’re sexy, engaging, funny, maybe even a little bit weird and quirky. Of course guys like you. Of course they’ll sidle up to you at a lounge and ask for your number. Here’s the thing: building a starting five doesn’t mean that you’re open to any old fool. You are selective. You have standards. You have a right to be decisive.

You are not desperate for a roster; the roster is desperate for you.

The sooner you know that, the less likely you’ll be to entertain some brokeboy who has a cute face but hits you with the “come over and chill”.

Step five, like step one, is extremely important. Protecting yourself means to protect your space. Don’t be so quick to let these guys know where you live. Protect your health. If you’re really feeling a guy or two, demand that they get tested before you have sex.

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That’s it, folks. I can’t spell it all out for you.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

Peace & Love,

Adri

 

 

dating, feminism, relationships, self awareness

I’d Rather Be Crazy

When was the last time someone called you crazy? And I’m talking to the women here.

Think about it.

I’m willing to bet you didn’t have to think that long. I’m also willing to bet it was by a man. Perhaps a man you are/were dating. Either way, I decided a while ago that I’m not going to be offended by the oft-misused epithet.

Why? Men default to “crazy” when a woman expresses herself in ways that they deem extreme. They use it to gaslight and dismiss women. They use it to ignore the message and demean the messenger. To be clear (because I know how y’all like to misconstrue things), I am not justifying behavior that is violent or manipulative.  A woman who calls you 50x back to back in a non emergency situation MAY have some issues. But men call women crazy so often that it hardly even means anything.

Take this scenario: Jamar shows up late for the fifth time to your date. This time, he doesn’t even bother apologizing. You’re left standing outside of the movie theater feeling disrespected as he walks up 15 minutes past the starting time. You want to say something but the last time you brought up his tardiness, you got emotional and your voice cracked, betraying your hurt at the situation. You were never the type to get loud and yell, but in moments of frustration, you tend to cry. In that moment, however, he rolled his eyes and said “yo I don’t like that crazy shit. What’s there to cry about? I said sorry, damn!” So this time, you say nothing. You don’t want to be crazy like all of his past exes. (By the way, men who swear that all of their exes are crazy, are usually the problem).

Crazy is just another tool used by men to avoid taking ownership over their own issues. And since it’s so popular and rarely questioned, women often take personal responsibility for being the most sane, most levelheaded person- even at their own expense.

I’m tired of it. I am a human being who won’t bust out your windows, call you 100 times, or scream at you. But I have a right to express how I feel in the way that is truest to me. Sometimes that means I’ll write, or cry, or shut down to collect my thoughts. And I will no longer apologize for any of that. It’s what makes me unique and beautiful and worthy of someone who can respect all of that, so we can move forward with a newfound understanding of one another.

So if I have to risk being called crazy or assume a role that makes my partner feel comfortable, I choose the former. I’d rather be crazy.giphy

Peace & Love,

Adri