break ups, dating, friendships, relationships

Y’all Still Together?: When Friends Don’t like Your Man

My best friend has a habit of holding on to perceived offenses, and then disclosing those feelings at random times. In the 22 years of our friendship, I’ve pretty much mastered the art of knowing how to navigate her Capricorn-ness. So it came as a surprise when she told me a few years ago that she felt awkward mentioning her boyfriend during our conversations because she “knew” I didn’t like him.

I’d made an offhanded comment that I was a bit bothered by a joke he made when we first met. Naturally, she thought that meant I didn’t like him at all. Once we sorted out the misunderstanding, I grew to really like him for her.

It’s been a few years since then and I hadn’t thought of that conversation until recently, when someone I enjoy following on social media had a public falling out with her former best friend.

Insults were hurled as the ex-friend publicly dragged her once-bestie and man for filth-revealing personal details and saying the kinds of things that would totally justify a physical altercation. While her actions were awful, it wasn’t a secret that she didn’t care for her friend’s man. Throughout their friendship- she’d made it plain that she did not like him. But like any immature person without a filter, she seized an opportunity to voice her distaste in a public forum.

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This is why I think it’s a big deal when your close friend does not like your significant other or vice versa.

People are rarely equipped with the tools to manage one relationship- let alone two relationships in conflict with one another while you’re in the middle. It takes a special kind of person to navigate the delicate balance of not mentioning the other person during inopportune times, knocking down any badmouthing, filtering your thoughts, and keeping the peace when they have to be around each other.

I don’t have time for that. And more importantly, I think it cannot be overlooked when the people closest to you don’t like your friend or partner. Perhaps they see something you don’t see.

Do I think that everyone in your life has to be the best of friends like a 90s sitcom? No. Some personalities just won’t mesh well. But active conflict has no place in my life and sooner or later – things will come to a head. That’s why I think it’s important to either:

  1. Choose a side. I know this is probably considered a death sentence to my Libra and Aquarian friends, especially, but the middle ground isn’t always an option. Sometimes a line gets drawn in the sand and playing tightrope ain’t an option.
  2. Resolve the issue with them. Tension is like a ticking time bomb. Try to address it.

I’ve fortunately haven’t had to deal with this personally, but I’ve been the friend that actively disliked the significant other.

Thankfully, those fools got broken up with.

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dating, love, relationships

Reclaim Your Time: Death to the Situationship

Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. Together, the two decide that they’re attracted to one another. They go on dates, communicate via texts and calls on a daily basis, and share some of their most deepest secrets. After some time, one or the other decides that they don’t want the either to date or sleep with anyone else, so they decide to become “exclusive”. Although they are only dating each another, they are not in a committed relationship. Boy and girl are increasingly at odds with one another. Jealousy arises. Miscommunication is a norm.

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Situationship (n): A waste of everyone’s bloodclat time.

In a recent article by Cosmopolitan, a situationship was defined as “the catch-all term for those relationships sitting at the intersection of “hooking up” and “in a relationship.” A label for those who don’t have a label.  A situationship is essentially the squib of the wizarding world. For non-Harry Potter nerds, a squib is person born of a magical parent or parents who doesn’t have the ability to perform magic. They’re perfectly fine people, but they just don’t serve much purpose as far as magic goes. The same goes for situationships. They’re about as useful as a pair of flip flops in a snow storm; they serve a purpose, just not one that is best for you.

I’ve had a situationship or two, and in those instances, they ended with  disappointment and anger. Here’s my take on why situationships should be discarded:

  1. Women are almost always getting the short end of the stick in the deal. If I had a dollar for every woman in a situationship who actually wanted to be in a relationship, I’d be writing this from a balcony in Seychelles. Women have been conditioned to accept the terms that men define for them and the relationship, or lack thereof. Because she does not want to be alone, or “catch another body” she settles for whatever she can get.
  2. They are rooted in dishonesty. Let’s face it, if you wanted to be with them, you would. The world may not be in black and white but when it comes to matters of the heart, it’s usually much easier than we make it out to be.
  3. Words matter, and the very nature of  a “situationship” is based on a situation, not an agreement. A car breaking down is a situation. Your two best friends fighting is a situation. Who you choose to spend your time with should be anything but.
  4. It’s a functional form of dysfunction. Situationships or their cousins “exclusive dating”, are ideal for those who have issues with commitment. For those who’ve been reading this blog for a while, y’all know how I feel about grey areas. You are either committed or you aren’t. Nuance is great except when feelings are involved. Show me a situationship, and I’ll show you two people bound by their mutual dysfunction.

Imagine how simpler relationships would be if two adults decided “hey, we like each other, but we don’t want to be in a committed relationship. Let’s continue to date other people.”

I’m sure some people will be offended by this. But uh…

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Peace & Love,

Adri