blog, dating, healing, love, relationships, sex

Death to “Talking”

I can’t believe in the year of our Lord, 2018, that I have to even write this.

It pains me to even bring it up but since we’re in the midst of the hell that is called “cuffing season,” I have to look out for my sisters.

It has come to my attention that men and women above the age of 21 are engaging in what is being called “talking”. That’s right, folks. You’re not reading a #flashbackfriday post. I’m declaring a State of Emergency on all things brokeboy and proclaiming that we end “talking” immediately.

I’m sure some of you may be confused. Before I get ahead of myself, allow me to break down the stages of dating, according to the little situationship that couldn’t.

Stage One: Two people meet. They’re attracted to each other. They converse as they get to know one another.

Stage Two: They go on outings (not dates), limited to free or near free activities.

Stage Three: “Talking”. This almost always includes sex. Talking also means they go out on dates. But they are not committed and are free to date and sleep with other people.

Stage Four:
Dating. It’s important to note that few make it to this stage. Most situationships toggle between stages 2 and 3, and usually only progress at the insistence of a frustrated woman. The primary difference between dating and talking is that dating usually involves more emotional investment. You’re free to openly flirt just as much as you’d vent to them about a tough day at work.

Stage Five:
Exclusive dating. They agree to only date and sleep with each other. They may be known among their friends and family as a couple.

Stage Six: Sudden death round. Ok, ok. I kid. This the relationship.

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I’m exhausted. I’m sure you are, too. And that is why I want to do away with the fluff in between meeting a person and being in a relationship. These barriers of entry are entirely left up to interpretation and are almost always set up to avoid accountability.

Ladies, let’s chat.

You know that guy that hits you up no more than 2 hours before he wants to “link up?” The one that says he’s just looking for a vibe? The one who looks good but you have listed as “Don’t Answer”? The one you fake cut off every quarter?

Y’all are not talking. You’re not dating. You’re not just hanging out. You, my beautiful sister, are SINGLE. As single as the dollar bill you fished out of your purse when he asked if you had tip money for the bartender.

I advise you to take your single behind out of the twilight zone and stop subscribing to this talking nonsense. No man who wants love, a relationship, and commitment with you would even bring such things to your doorstep. You know it. And I know it.

Kill it with fire.

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break ups, dating, love, relationships, self awareness, sex

Sometimes, you do it to yourself

Froth: worthless or insubstantial talk, ideas, or activities

In light of today’s daily prompt and recent celebrity gossip, I’ve decided to tell the straight-shot-no-chaser version of the scandal that is Tristan Thompson and Khloe Kardashian.

Some may consider celebrity gossip mindless fodder, or froth, but I often see and identify the meaning within these types of stories. This one is no different.

Here’s the breakdown: Khloe Kardashian began dating professional basketball player Tristan Thompson at or around the time his former girlfriend was heavily pregnant (his son is 15 months, so you do the math). They soon attended star-studded events together, were seen publicly almost daily (at least I think so), and a few months ago, announced that they were expecting a daughter.

Yesterday, allegations, along with videos, arose depicting Tristan in very compromising positions with women who were not Khloe Kardashian. Khloe is in Cleveland while she prepares to give birth any day now. Apparently, the Kard-Jenner clan is shocked, with a source noting that they, along with Khloe, did not “know how deceptive Tristan could really be”.

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Aight.

I’ll start off by saying that under no circumstances should a pregnant woman, or any woman, go through the stress and pain of cheating.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of way…Khloe…girl.

GIRL.

This woman is 33. I am having a hard time understanding how she could, with all of the money, resources, and fame at her fingertips, make a conscious decision to enter a serious relationship with a man who was expecting a child. Life and romance rarely play out like in the movies where everything would be perfect if not for a case of good guy, bad timing.

If the timing is bad, then so are the prospects of the relationship.

Which brings me to the title of this post. It is important to exercise accountability at the end of almost every relationship in order to reflect on how you either contributed to the demise or could have avoided the relationship altogether. This goes for personal, professional, and romantic relationships.

Personal accountability should not ever be conflated with blame or shame. No one deserves to be met with a terrible partner who is abusive, dishonest, or unfaithful. They are, however, responsible for guarding their heart and being mindful about who they trust with it. Yes, a man can switch up and become the worst kind of partner. It happens every day. You cannot control another adult’s actions. You can, however, control yourself and your response to poor treatment.

Khloe enjoyed nights on the town and fancy dinners while her boyfriend’s recent ex was giving birth. No amount of finessing should have convinced her that that was a good idea. Perhaps she thought that “the heart wants what it wants” or maybe that “true love wins”.

Maybe this is all an elaborate publicity stunt. Maybe there’s no merit to the claims. But there is a very real innocent life about to be born into a media storm and that’s the biggest concern in all of this.

It’s just a shame that it took something like this to throw a monkey wrench in Khloe’s plans.

Sometimes, you do it to yourself.

via Daily Prompt: Froth

break ups, dating, feminism, insecure, love, marriage, relationships, self awareness

7 Tips to Ruin your Livelihood in Love and Relationships

The 1950s. A decade filled with A-line skirts, the dawn of rock ‘n roll, and good ol’ American segregation. Mad Men glamorized this era, where the men were powerful and their doting housewives drowned in depressants to keep afloat- with not one strand of hair out of place.

‘Twas a simpler time, indeed.

When I read the article below, I laughed heartily. Not because the tips are ridiculous, but because I knew that men who came across this blast from the past would be chomping at the bit to go back to this time – when women catered to their every need.

tips to look after your husband

But this entry isn’t about that. It’s about how seemingly progressive, feminist women get stuck carrying the emotional weight for their relationships and partners.

Black women experience stress-related weathering at the molecular level. And it’s killing us. We literally cannot afford to do this kind of stuff anymore if we want to be alive and thriving.

You may not be in a scurry to freshen your makeup and clean up before your partner’s arrival but you may be doing these 7 things that are detrimental to yourself.

  1. Saying “yes” when you mean “no”. Every time a woman says “yes” when she doesn’t mean it, an angel loses its wings. We are conditioned to be a man’s “peace”, and for many men, peace means subordinate. If you don’t want to do something, say it with your chest.
  2. Not sweating the small stuff. “It’s just the trash,” you mutter, as you haul the garbage out in your PJs while your partner watches his team play ball.  You’d asked him to take it out at least 4 times that day. Some other relationship coach may tell you let sleeping dogs lie, but this ain’t that. When you don’t sweat the small stuff, they don’t disappear; they grow. The “small stuff” thrives on resentment.  Bring it up. Talk it out.
  3. Playing detective. You’re likely not a detective, and if you are, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to spend unpaid hours investigating your mate. If you have suspicions, then you need to pony up and address them head-on. Be smart. But routinely looking through his phone, email, social media, etc., only makes you look like the crazy one. Then you end up feeling guilty and taking the blame, which brings me to number 4.
  4. Conflating accountability with blame. Accountability is a crucial component of any whole and loving relationship. Each partner commits that they will uphold their end of the bargain. They make a concerted effort to honor their commitments and apologize when they fall short. Accountability is not saying that everything that goes wrong in the relationship is your fault. It is not a pity party. Sis, it’s not always you.
  5. Playing therapist. One of the most irritating things about that 50’s article is that it instructs women to place the emotional health of their husbands above their own. His long day at work warrants a quiet and clean home upon his arrival, with nothing to greet him but docile children and a smiling wife. Meanwhile, anyone who has children or has looked after them knows how something as simple as getting them dressed can turn into a puddle of tears.
  6. Your job is not to help solve his problems, unpack his emotional trauma, serve as his whipping boy, or address his resentments.  I don’t care what meme or video you saw floating around that said the opposite. You are not his therapist and that boundary needs to be firmly in place.
  7. And before you object with the very real importance about being a supportive partner, take this into account: there’s a reason why therapists charge $150/hour and don’t treat people they know.
  8. They know their time and barriers are valuable. Why are you volunteering?
  9. Telling your business. Long after you’ve vented to your close friends and family about the terrible thing your partner did, they will remember. And while you may have forgiven him, they haven’t. It’s important to note that this one is often overlooked because women tend to confide in one another. The problem is that long after the dust settles, your closest companions will feel used and robbed of their time. You have an issue? Either fix it internally or vent but be prepared for your friends to have a vested interest in what happens next.
  10. This is often how emotionally abusive relationships strengthen. When I was in a relationship with someone that was a habitual cheater and verbally abusive, I vented to my friends until the did not want to hear it anymore. This made the man I was with my only confidant. He and I kept our mess quiet while I died internally. I touched on it here.
  11. Taking your foot off their neck. The modern woman is often told that she is too demanding, bossy, or picky. I argue that we are not assertive enough.  Relationships often start with him pulling out all the stops to woo you and once you agree to be in a committed relationship, the romance and good behavior fades away. Sometimes, it’s gone so quickly, you wonder if the good behavior was all an act. ( Spoiler alert: It probably was). And so you end up trying to bring the relationship back to its former glory, as if that’s something only one person can do, when your partner acted like they had a real interest in being with you.
  12. I learned a decade ago that the true test of your will is not how many flowers you get or public proclamations of love after a fallout; it’s in the little things he does daily to honor you, himself, and the relationship you both agreed to be in.
  13. If you saw “Fences” starring the incomparable Viola Davis, you remember the monologue that secured her the Academy Award. After her husband (Troy) of eighteen years reveals that he’s not only been unfaithful but also is expecting a child with another woman, he then goes on to explain how he’s felt trapped and unfulfilled in life. He’s “been standing in the same place for eighteen years”.
  14. Rose (Viola) then goes on to say “I been standing with you! I been right here with you, Troy. I got a life too. I gave eighteen years of my life to stand in the same spot with you. Don’t you think I ever wanted other things? Don’t you think I had dreams and hopes? What about my life? What about me? Don’t you think it ever crossed my mind to want to know other men? That I wanted to lay up somewhere and forget about my responsibilities? …But I held on to you, Troy. I held you tighter. You was my husband. I owed you everything I had. Every part of me I could find to give you. . . . I gave everything I had to try and erase the doubt that you wasn’t the finest man in the world. And wherever you was going . . I wanted to be there with you. Cause you was my husband. Cause that’s the only way I was gonna survive as your wife.
  15. You always talking about what you give . . . and what you don’t have to give.
  16. But you take, too.
  17. You take.”

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Peace & Love,

Adri

break ups, dating, friendships, relationships

Y’all Still Together?: When Friends Don’t like Your Man

My best friend has a habit of holding on to perceived offenses, and then disclosing those feelings at random times. In the 22 years of our friendship, I’ve pretty much mastered the art of knowing how to navigate her Capricorn-ness. So it came as a surprise when she told me a few years ago that she felt awkward mentioning her boyfriend during our conversations because she “knew” I didn’t like him.

I’d made an offhanded comment that I was a bit bothered by a joke he made when we first met. Naturally, she thought that meant I didn’t like him at all. Once we sorted out the misunderstanding, I grew to really like him for her.

It’s been a few years since then and I hadn’t thought of that conversation until recently, when someone I enjoy following on social media had a public falling out with her former best friend.

Insults were hurled as the ex-friend publicly dragged her once-bestie and man for filth-revealing personal details and saying the kinds of things that would totally justify a physical altercation. While her actions were awful, it wasn’t a secret that she didn’t care for her friend’s man. Throughout their friendship- she’d made it plain that she did not like him. But like any immature person without a filter, she seized an opportunity to voice her distaste in a public forum.

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This is why I think it’s a big deal when your close friend does not like your significant other or vice versa.

People are rarely equipped with the tools to manage one relationship- let alone two relationships in conflict with one another while you’re in the middle. It takes a special kind of person to navigate the delicate balance of not mentioning the other person during inopportune times, knocking down any badmouthing, filtering your thoughts, and keeping the peace when they have to be around each other.

I don’t have time for that. And more importantly, I think it cannot be overlooked when the people closest to you don’t like your friend or partner. Perhaps they see something you don’t see.

Do I think that everyone in your life has to be the best of friends like a 90s sitcom? No. Some personalities just won’t mesh well. But active conflict has no place in my life and sooner or later – things will come to a head. That’s why I think it’s important to either:

  1. Choose a side. I know this is probably considered a death sentence to my Libra and Aquarian friends, especially, but the middle ground isn’t always an option. Sometimes a line gets drawn in the sand and playing tightrope ain’t an option.
  2. Resolve the issue with them. Tension is like a ticking time bomb. Try to address it.

I’ve fortunately haven’t had to deal with this personally, but I’ve been the friend that actively disliked the significant other.

Thankfully, those fools got broken up with.

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dating, love, relationships

Reclaim Your Time: Death to the Situationship

Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. Together, the two decide that they’re attracted to one another. They go on dates, communicate via texts and calls on a daily basis, and share some of their most deepest secrets. After some time, one or the other decides that they don’t want the either to date or sleep with anyone else, so they decide to become “exclusive”. Although they are only dating each another, they are not in a committed relationship. Boy and girl are increasingly at odds with one another. Jealousy arises. Miscommunication is a norm.

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Situationship (n): A waste of everyone’s bloodclat time.

In a recent article by Cosmopolitan, a situationship was defined as “the catch-all term for those relationships sitting at the intersection of “hooking up” and “in a relationship.” A label for those who don’t have a label.  A situationship is essentially the squib of the wizarding world. For non-Harry Potter nerds, a squib is person born of a magical parent or parents who doesn’t have the ability to perform magic. They’re perfectly fine people, but they just don’t serve much purpose as far as magic goes. The same goes for situationships. They’re about as useful as a pair of flip flops in a snow storm; they serve a purpose, just not one that is best for you.

I’ve had a situationship or two, and in those instances, they ended with  disappointment and anger. Here’s my take on why situationships should be discarded:

  1. Women are almost always getting the short end of the stick in the deal. If I had a dollar for every woman in a situationship who actually wanted to be in a relationship, I’d be writing this from a balcony in Seychelles. Women have been conditioned to accept the terms that men define for them and the relationship, or lack thereof. Because she does not want to be alone, or “catch another body” she settles for whatever she can get.
  2. They are rooted in dishonesty. Let’s face it, if you wanted to be with them, you would. The world may not be in black and white but when it comes to matters of the heart, it’s usually much easier than we make it out to be.
  3. Words matter, and the very nature of  a “situationship” is based on a situation, not an agreement. A car breaking down is a situation. Your two best friends fighting is a situation. Who you choose to spend your time with should be anything but.
  4. It’s a functional form of dysfunction. Situationships or their cousins “exclusive dating”, are ideal for those who have issues with commitment. For those who’ve been reading this blog for a while, y’all know how I feel about grey areas. You are either committed or you aren’t. Nuance is great except when feelings are involved. Show me a situationship, and I’ll show you two people bound by their mutual dysfunction.

Imagine how simpler relationships would be if two adults decided “hey, we like each other, but we don’t want to be in a committed relationship. Let’s continue to date other people.”

I’m sure some people will be offended by this. But uh…

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Peace & Love,

Adri

feminism, love, relationships

I am Not your Lemonade

I’ve been meaning to broach this subject for quite some time; Jay-Z’s most talked-about track on his latest album just happened to be the impetus.

Like many listeners, I groggily played the album when it dropped on TIDAL at exactly midnight. With eyes heavy from the fatigue that seems to be more present as I get closer to 30, and the first few songs piquing my interest, I immediately was struck by the haunting sample of Hannah Williams and the Affirmations’ “Late Nights and Heartbreaks” on 4:44. Could this be the “Lemonade” response that was rumored to be in the works for over a year?

With HOV starting off plainly stating “I apologize, often womanize”, my suspicions were confirmed.

There’s something especially painful about relationships that end with you feeling as if you’ve wasted your time. You look back at the money spent, hours used to coach him on his next interview, the dozens of times you overlooked some questionable behaviors, all for the sake of him getting his act together.

In some cases, the resources you expended were begrudgingly accepted, as the object of your affections sought an escape route from the relationship that you thought would end in “started with a DM” happiness. I’ve been there. I actually don’t know any woman who has not. We date men with the understanding that they need work, and it is our job to tinker with them until, like an old Chevy, they’re on the road, custom-made for us.

As my mother and her mother often say: nuttin nuh go so.

Instead, what happens more often than not is the man that you diligently fine-tuned to your liking, despite him being less than desirable, will move on. And you will be left in the dust feeling like you were with him shooting in the gym but never got to see that Lakers money. You look back at the past few months/years, and wonder “how could he?”

The default answer is that he’s trash and a user. And in many/most cases, he is.

But as I watched myself and other attractive, charming, and successful women go through the same thing, I wondered: what can be done to avoid this? Can it be avoided? Should I be more supportive? Spontaneous? I’d heard men don’t like women who are too available. Was I too available?! My best friend’s dad had given us advice when we were teenagers “all men are dogs, they just have to find the right trainer”. OMG I WASN’T A GOOD TRAINER.

And on it went as I dragged my love-sick vessel from one dead-end fling to the next. Until, one day, it hit me as I read Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes were Watching God.

“De nigger woman is de mule uh de world so fur as Ah can see.”

Black women were and are often viewed as beasts of burden that are expected to toil without complaint and bend without breaking. “I am not your mule” is a typically strong response to those expecting things for free. I wondered why so many of us were putting in overtime on our next new man project, when we were so adamant about others’ respecting our time and effort. Why was I so willing to take on the task of doing the emotional heavy-lifting in the relationship, with the expectation that it would all work out in my favor?

As much as listening to 4:44 left me feeling horrible for Beyonce and all that she endured, I was dismayed to find women on social media hailing her for her ability to be “strong”, and put out albums, while likely crippled with grief over her miscarriages and stillborns, and facing the humiliation of a philandering spouse.

Was this the picture of strength? A woman who can go through something ugly but step out and make it look beautiful? An alchemist who can transform the pain left by her empty womb into entertainment for the masses?

Was this something to be admired?

I recalled pieces of 4:44 and Lemonade in tandem:

Beyonce: You spun gold out of this hard life
Jay-Z: You matured faster than me, I wasn’t ready
Beyonce: Found healing where it did not live
Jay-Z: Please come back to Rome, you make it home
Beyonce: Discovered the antidote in your own kitchen
Jay-Z: Like the men before me, I cut off my nose to spite my face
Beyonce: You passed these instructions down to your daughter
Jay-Z: I suck at love, I think I need a do-over

 

And I was relieved that I’d given up making Lemonade.

 

Adri

break ups, dating, healing, insecure, love, relationships

Kill It With Fire: The Case of the Ex

This post has been a long time coming, as I’ve dealt with my own “case of the ex” a few times now.

An inconvenient truth in the majority of relationships is that you won’t be the first, second, or even third person who has captured the heart of your mate.

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When you agree to become someone’s partner, you implicitly acknowledge that they were an entire person who once loved and cared for another long before you were even a thought in their heads. And while that may be uncomfortable for some, it can be even more uncomfortable when the object of their longstanding affection takes up space in your current relationship.

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This is the ugly truth about exes: sometimes they don’t ever really go away. Like lingering spirits who haven’t moved on from this world into the next, their presence still hangs around.

And that’s why I don’t believe exes should be friends in almost any circumstance.

In a perfect world where romantic feelings can be packed up and shipped off to the land of dead relationships, exes can certainly befriend one another, interacting with civility and pleasantness. They may even be the best of friends.

But such a world doesn’t exist, and in this world, we move through life with tokens of our past attached to us, making up the essence of who we are. And so, by the time you meet someone that you hit it off with, and fall in love with, you’re aware that this person wasn’t plucked out of the universe unsullied. You weren’t, either. But you both make it work, creating a new reality, and ultimately, a new future.

 

So what happens when an ex resurfaces in your relationship?

Some women react harshly: directly addressing the interloper and telling her to stay wherever the hell she came from. Others are more relaxed, feeling confident that whatever once was, is no more. And therefore, she has no reason to be worried.

I advise women to play their position. And to NEVER address the other woman. Your issue is not with her. If the fear of a past relationship being rekindled is strong enough, then that means your partner is providing kindling for that fire – take that up with him.

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Leave, if necessary. 

The one thing you must know is that no matter how beautiful, trustworthy, kind, and doting you are, you cannot compete with the unresolved affections of a past love.

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You deserve a love that is so whole, honest, and full, that neither of you cannot imagine how life would be without one another. And that kind of love should not be begged for, it should be freely given.

 

Peace & Love,

Adri

break ups, dating, love, relationships, self awareness

Stay Low and Bullsh-t

“We can stay low and build.”

These words were texted to a young woman who was questioning the direction of her relationship with someone. You may be familiar with the phrase because during a fit of a rage/sadness, she shared the text conversation on Twitter, citing it as evidence that she had been played and mistreated.

Long before #uberbae  and #hurtbaethere was the #staylowandbuildbae.

And much to her chagrin, few people rallied around her but rather used the text thread against her. It was pretty obvious that he was playing her with “stay low and build,” right? Well, maybe.

Long before staying low and building, women have been told to “keep it on the down low,”  “keep things quiet,” and a host of other creative ways to basically shut the hell up about the non-relationship. But discretion doesn’t automatically equate to nefarious intentions. Sometimes, it’s just about the personalities of the people in the couple-ship.

For example, I’m relatively low-key about sharing details about my significant other, both before and after we decided to be in a committed relationship. No one but us knows personal details and we’re keeping it that way.

It may also be a good idea to keep your dating situation on the low if you’re dating several people who are in the same social circles. Running your mouth prematurely may (read: will) jeopardize your prospects with others who don’t want to be associated as 1 out of the several that you’re dealing with.

So how do you know if someone is moving in silence because they want to keep things simple or to string you along?

  1. Ask them about their intentions. Early. If you know you’re looking for a committed relationship, say that (without demanding one), and ask him directly what he wants.
  2. Pay attention to how he acts when you’re out in public. Are you going to places that are in the cut? Is he often looking around, as if he’s on edge?
  3. Does he remember key details about you or are things pretty shallow? I don’t mean if he remembers your birthday – does he remember that you prefer tomatoes on your sandwich, or vodka over cognac? Random details are hard to keep track of if you don’t take an actual interest in a person.
  4. Is there any progression in your relations? Have you met key friends, family, and associates?
  5. Has he asked you for things that are “girlfriend-esque” but never discussed a commitment?

The main things you want to look for are transparency and sincerity. And neither of those traits can be proven by saying a few words. Words, action, and consistency should all be working together to show you that the person you’re dating is taking you seriously, whether he’s shouting it from the rooftop or not.

But be honest with yourself. Are you keeping things hush-hush because that’s how you move or because that’s how you’ve been told to move?

 

Peace & Love,

Adri

 

dating, love, relationships

“I’m Not Ready” and Other Lies Men Tell

“Why do women let themselves be taken advantage of?” he asked, as he took another swig of beer.

My friend was pissed. He’d been dating a girl who was beautiful, smart, ambitious, and kind.  And she was stuck on a guy who “wasn’t ready for a relationship”.

I sympathized with him because I, too, have been the girl who fell for the okie doke. But, true to Adri form, I decided to play devil’s advocate.

“Well she told you from jump that she was involved with someone and you decided to pursue it.”

“She’s not involved. She’s getting played.”

And that settled it. 

I’ve been hesitant to write this piece because relationship readiness is a valid concern, and I wanted to be sure that I addressed its nuances while also calling out the BS.

So let’s start with the basics. What is considered being “ready” to be in a relationship?

The Adri Definition: Being ready for a relationship means being in an emotional, personal, financial, and mental space where the individual is prepared to share and accommodate the emotional, personal, financial, and mental space and needs of a specific person.

Some of you may bristle at my inclusion of financial or mental space. Well..
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There are many instances that can prevent someone from being ready for a healthy relationship, and that would take me years to unpack. So I’m going to focus on the case where someone is ready – they’re just not ready  to be with YOU.

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How many times have you or someone you know gotten a few texts like this? Here he is, a guy who seems nice but is in a rough spot because has has a lot going on personally. He’s being honest about his feelings towards this woman and is making it known that he wants to continue to be with her while he works on getting himself together.

No harm, right?

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There is a difference between not being in a place to be the kind of boyfriend and partner he knows he can be and simply not giving a F about the person he’s helping to string along. I say help because it takes two to string: one to pull the rope and one to be dragged.

Just because a man enjoys going out with you, sleeping with you, and flirting with you, it does not make you any more relationship-eligible than someone else. If you’re such a great person and any man would be lucky to have you, then why hasn’t he made himself that man?

If you’re good enough to go out to eat with, lay in bed with, and attend parties with, why aren’t you good enough to be committed to?

A relationship is not like signing a deed to a house, a marriage certificate, or any other legally binding contract. It is simply an agreement to be with a person and only that person (unless you’re poly) while continuing to grow as individuals and as a couple.

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If the man in your life is open to doing everything but calling you his girlfriend, you may want to take a step back and assess the situation. You do not have to work for a man’s attention. You do not have to beg. This is not Grey’s Anatomy and you are not pleading to be “chose”.

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Here’s the secret that men don’t want you to know: If he’s not ready, he’ll get ready. And if he doesn’t, or hits you with intermittent bouts of “we’re better off without a title” then you know what the deal is.

Anything less? Put him back on the bench or cancel him altogether.

Peace & Love,

Adri

 

 

dating, love, relationships, sex, valentine's day

#SecureTheBae : Your 6-week guide to boo loving on Valentine’s Day

You probably read the title of this post and immediately thought “Oh [bleep], Valentine’s Day is 6 weeks away?!”

Time flies when Trump is president – elect.  (By the way, we’re all gonna die.)

Anyways, I’ve written about the joys of being single on Valentine’s Day and I’m a huge proponent of cherishing your own company.

But this post ain’t that. Because let’s face it – while we can enjoy a solo day at the spa, having a tipsy brunch with friends, or the myriad of activities we can get into for the day of love, the reality is that there’s something special about putting on a slip dress and stepping out with bae for a night on the town. (With all drinks on him!)

So what do you do when the day is fast approaching, you want someone to get you a teddy bear, and your phone is drier than Tyrone Biggums’ lips?

Week One: Happy hour, you say?

You gotta go out to be seen and be seen to be taken out. So hit up the happy hours, even if you go to drink one glass of the house red. Get at least two numbers every time you go out. But remember, your likelihood of finding Mr. Right is nearly zero. You’re operating from a space that isn’t conducive to long-term happiness – desperation. Or urgency. I get it, I’ve been there. But don’t get it twisted. Your V-day bae isn’t a keeper. Manage your expectations and collect some digits.

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Week Two: Date nights and swipe right

According to the scholarly reviewed Adri Speaks research study, approximately 1/7 guys actually follow through after the initial number exchange. See why it’s important to get a lot of numbers in week one?  You’ve got to account for attrition.

This week will be about date nights and firing up your dating apps. If you’re reading this and want to get a box of pharmacy chocolates in 6 weeks, leave your pride aside. And that means leaving your ill-conceived notions about online dating to the curb, as well.

Tinder, Bumble, Soul Swipe, Ok Cupid, and Plenty of Fish are all free and all waiting for you.

Just remember, a date should be an outing. If he’s already asking you to come over to his house, he’s cancelled. Doesn’t make a plan and wants to “play it by ear?” Cancelled. Clearly only going out to see if he can see you naked later? Cancelled. Unless, of course, you wanna get naked. Condom.

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Week Three: Dial up the sexy

By this point, you’re probably scheduling another date with two guys and have a texting buddy or two with your online dating flings. Week three is crucial because this is when most people fall off. The guy determines if he feels like burning more gas / spending more cash and you decide if he’s worth your $50 foundation and contour palette.

This is probably the week where you’ve identified one guy that you like more than the others. Turn up the heat. Is there any physical attraction or is he as sexually arousing as a Ken doll?

You know when they say “dress for the job you want”? Well, you’re gonna have to dress for the date you want (right now). For the love of an hourglass figure, flaunt what you’ve got.

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Week Four: No new friends

This is purge week. Get rid of stragglers you don’t like and apply pressure to the ones you do like. At this point, it’s too late to tack on any new guys to the roster so don’t even waste your time. If you’ve done things right, you might even have a date for V day already lined up!

But don’t get rid of everyone and keep your online profiles active.

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Week Five: Murphy’s Law

Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. And week five is when guys may go ghost, pop up with a girlfriend, or reveal some other unsavory character about himself. Week five is recon week. This is the time to dig through your unread texts and messages and muster up a half-assed “sorry I’ve been swamped at work” response. It may not work but it’s worth trying.

But if nothing of the sort happens, great! You should already have plans set.

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Week Six: Basking in the ambiance

Congrats! You’ve completed the guide and it’s Valentine’s week. Now’s a good time to remember that this man is not your boyfriend. He’s a guy who was personable and polite, and who was willing to take you out and help you feel special.

Don’t make it more than what it was.

 

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P&L,

Adri