break ups, love, marriage, relationships, sex

“I’m a homebody” and other lines from broke boys

It’s no secret that in this game of dating, I have some pretty strong opinions, from the nonsense around cuffing season to the ambiguous AF notion of “talking”, I’ve got a lot on my mind. And it’s not without reason.

Since I keep the company of attractive, whole, successful women, I often hear stories that range from titillating to downright disrespectful. Just last week, I was briefed on a steamy rendezvous, getting ghosted, a great first date, and an “I like you, but”…disaster. And just when I thought I’d heard it all, I had one of the most ridiculous text exchanges in recent memory.

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“But Adri” you may say, “what’s wrong with this gentleman you’re dating coming over for wings and wine?”

Well, for one, this man and I have never been on a date. We met twice and barely know each other. Secondly, and this is important, it is highly untoward for this man, or any man I’m not in a relationship with, to invite themselves over to my home. This is not the first time a man has tried to come to my place or invited me over to his without knowing me. In fact, I wrote about my issue with it a while back. Thirdly, I don’t eat wings.

I was highly annoyed because I thought interactions like that were reserved for the young and the cashless. This was common in my early 20’s living in NYC and New Jersey.

I suppose since moving to the nation’s capital, I grew comfortable living in a bubble where men in their 30’s wouldn’t dare try such cheap gimmicks. I was rudely reminded that they exist. Still.

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And so with this knowledge, I have to inform my sistren that there’s games afoot- and the broke boys are out trying to finagle their way into your homes and pockets. So, I bring you: 5 [new age] broke boy lines

  1. “I’m a homebody” – this may be true but if he keeps saying it, it means he’s preparing to only stay home. You might as well empty your cart from Fashion Nova, baby. You ain’t going anywhere
  2. “There’s too much drama at these parties” – this is coded language for “I don’t want us to run into my current flings” or “I don’t have the funds for a few drinks”. Either way, bye.
  3. “How about I cook for you?” – this one is tricky because these new age scammer men have learned that less women are interested in preparing meals for any old guy but many will be impressed if he offers to cook. You just may be signing up for nights filled with spaghetti and jar pasta sauce.
  4. “I’m saving up to buy a house”– if his savings plan doesn’t have a line item for dating then guess what? He doesn’t need to be dating. A lot of these men will use that line because it very often ends the conversation. Who can argue with a hardworking man trying to purchase a home? Me- because I own a home and know what it takes. Furthermore, if he doesn’t have any room at all for the extras in life, he will be house poor if he is, in fact, “saving up for a house”. A man with a plan and purpose for you will be creative and show you a good time without breaking the bank.
  5. “I’m just interested in getting to know you one-on-one without a bunch of people around.” – BS. Staring in someone’s face while sipping cheap wine constantly doesn’t spark organic conversation. Nor does it give you an opportunity to see them in different, sometimes less than ideal circumstances. Go to an art show, play mini golf, go bowling, grab smoothies and walk around a farmer’s market. Those are the instances when you’ll see how someone acts in different places and spaces. Adults know that. Broke boys are trying to get a lot for little to nothing.

 

Toodles!

Adri

break ups, dating, feminism, insecure, love, marriage, relationships, self awareness

7 Tips to Ruin your Livelihood in Love and Relationships

The 1950s. A decade filled with A-line skirts, the dawn of rock ‘n roll, and good ol’ American segregation. Mad Men glamorized this era, where the men were powerful and their doting housewives drowned in depressants to keep afloat- with not one strand of hair out of place.

‘Twas a simpler time, indeed.

When I read the article below, I laughed heartily. Not because the tips are ridiculous, but because I knew that men who came across this blast from the past would be chomping at the bit to go back to this time – when women catered to their every need.

tips to look after your husband

But this entry isn’t about that. It’s about how seemingly progressive, feminist women get stuck carrying the emotional weight for their relationships and partners.

Black women experience stress-related weathering at the molecular level. And it’s killing us. We literally cannot afford to do this kind of stuff anymore if we want to be alive and thriving.

You may not be in a scurry to freshen your makeup and clean up before your partner’s arrival but you may be doing these 7 things that are detrimental to yourself.

  1. Saying “yes” when you mean “no”. Every time a woman says “yes” when she doesn’t mean it, an angel loses its wings. We are conditioned to be a man’s “peace”, and for many men, peace means subordinate. If you don’t want to do something, say it with your chest.
  2. Not sweating the small stuff. “It’s just the trash,” you mutter, as you haul the garbage out in your PJs while your partner watches his team play ball.  You’d asked him to take it out at least 4 times that day. Some other relationship coach may tell you let sleeping dogs lie, but this ain’t that. When you don’t sweat the small stuff, they don’t disappear; they grow. The “small stuff” thrives on resentment.  Bring it up. Talk it out.
  3. Playing detective. You’re likely not a detective, and if you are, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to spend unpaid hours investigating your mate. If you have suspicions, then you need to pony up and address them head-on. Be smart. But routinely looking through his phone, email, social media, etc., only makes you look like the crazy one. Then you end up feeling guilty and taking the blame, which brings me to number 4.
  4. Conflating accountability with blame. Accountability is a crucial component of any whole and loving relationship. Each partner commits that they will uphold their end of the bargain. They make a concerted effort to honor their commitments and apologize when they fall short. Accountability is not saying that everything that goes wrong in the relationship is your fault. It is not a pity party. Sis, it’s not always you.
  5. Playing therapist. One of the most irritating things about that 50’s article is that it instructs women to place the emotional health of their husbands above their own. His long day at work warrants a quiet and clean home upon his arrival, with nothing to greet him but docile children and a smiling wife. Meanwhile, anyone who has children or has looked after them knows how something as simple as getting them dressed can turn into a puddle of tears.
  6. Your job is not to help solve his problems, unpack his emotional trauma, serve as his whipping boy, or address his resentments.  I don’t care what meme or video you saw floating around that said the opposite. You are not his therapist and that boundary needs to be firmly in place.
  7. And before you object with the very real importance about being a supportive partner, take this into account: there’s a reason why therapists charge $150/hour and don’t treat people they know.
  8. They know their time and barriers are valuable. Why are you volunteering?
  9. Telling your business. Long after you’ve vented to your close friends and family about the terrible thing your partner did, they will remember. And while you may have forgiven him, they haven’t. It’s important to note that this one is often overlooked because women tend to confide in one another. The problem is that long after the dust settles, your closest companions will feel used and robbed of their time. You have an issue? Either fix it internally or vent but be prepared for your friends to have a vested interest in what happens next.
  10. This is often how emotionally abusive relationships strengthen. When I was in a relationship with someone that was a habitual cheater and verbally abusive, I vented to my friends until the did not want to hear it anymore. This made the man I was with my only confidant. He and I kept our mess quiet while I died internally. I touched on it here.
  11. Taking your foot off their neck. The modern woman is often told that she is too demanding, bossy, or picky. I argue that we are not assertive enough.  Relationships often start with him pulling out all the stops to woo you and once you agree to be in a committed relationship, the romance and good behavior fades away. Sometimes, it’s gone so quickly, you wonder if the good behavior was all an act. ( Spoiler alert: It probably was). And so you end up trying to bring the relationship back to its former glory, as if that’s something only one person can do, when your partner acted like they had a real interest in being with you.
  12. I learned a decade ago that the true test of your will is not how many flowers you get or public proclamations of love after a fallout; it’s in the little things he does daily to honor you, himself, and the relationship you both agreed to be in.
  13. If you saw “Fences” starring the incomparable Viola Davis, you remember the monologue that secured her the Academy Award. After her husband (Troy) of eighteen years reveals that he’s not only been unfaithful but also is expecting a child with another woman, he then goes on to explain how he’s felt trapped and unfulfilled in life. He’s “been standing in the same place for eighteen years”.
  14. Rose (Viola) then goes on to say “I been standing with you! I been right here with you, Troy. I got a life too. I gave eighteen years of my life to stand in the same spot with you. Don’t you think I ever wanted other things? Don’t you think I had dreams and hopes? What about my life? What about me? Don’t you think it ever crossed my mind to want to know other men? That I wanted to lay up somewhere and forget about my responsibilities? …But I held on to you, Troy. I held you tighter. You was my husband. I owed you everything I had. Every part of me I could find to give you. . . . I gave everything I had to try and erase the doubt that you wasn’t the finest man in the world. And wherever you was going . . I wanted to be there with you. Cause you was my husband. Cause that’s the only way I was gonna survive as your wife.
  15. You always talking about what you give . . . and what you don’t have to give.
  16. But you take, too.
  17. You take.”

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Peace & Love,

Adri

love, marriage, relationships, social media

Kill the Bat Signal

For quite a few us who have lived in the social mediaverse, posts about relationships seem commonplace. Some range from the cryptic yet impending sense of a breakup: “Sometimes you gotta know when enough is ENOUGH” (the caps make it official) to the more obvious: “I wish I never even bothered with him. What a waste of time.” The feelings and emotions behind these posts are real, no doubt, but nothing grinds my gears more than the bat signal. You’ve seen it and if you’re like me, you’ve either scrolled past quickly if it was sent out by someone you hardly knew or you may have rolled your eyes because you *do* know the person.

Bat signal: A virtual post seeking companionship, disguised as frustration with the dating pool.

It looks something like this “I’m gonna start being a jerk because clearly that’s what women want. Women don’t know what to do with a good man.” Or this: “What’s the point of cooking, cleaning, giving my all when no guy appreciates it. All they want are HOES!”

I’m gonna stop here for a moment to address readers who’ve sent out the bat signal. You just found out what I’m talking about and everything in you is ready to close this page. I can’t stop you if you do. But I’d encourage you to read more. I’ve put out the bat signal, so I’m not judging you. I just want you to do better, because after reading this, you’ll know better. Cool? Cool.

So why do folks put out the bat signal? Because they’re lonely, upset, and unable to be real with themselves. They may have been friendzoned for the 10th time or dumped for the 12th time. Their advances may have been denied. The point is, the bat signal is only put out after some sort of rejection. Much like Gotham’s police department, your bat signal is projected as a sign of distress. But that’s where the similarities end. In your world, you’ve had it up to here with the guys/girls you’ve dated or dealt with and instead of reflecting within, you project your frustration outwards, secretly hoping that someone worthy of you will show up.

Throwing virtual tantrums won’t make things better.

Unfortunately for you, your amazing qualities that you’ve undoubtedly enumerated for anyone willing to listen are a dime a dozen. You cook? So does Walter, the local handyman. You have your own car? So does the high school student who works at Target. You have your own place? Lack of ownership never stopped a broke college student living in a dorm. You have a good job? So do your married and committed colleagues. So what’s your problem?

The truth is: it’s not them, it’s you. And that’s okay! You are a human being with strengths, flaws and everything in between. Sometimes we just make bad choices or haven’t taken the time to really think about who we are and what part we play in this dating game. No one is born with a strong sense of self awareness. Everyone starts from somewhere. You just have to make some changes. What those changes are remains between you and yourself. But it starts with putting the blame game to rest and trying something different. Because in your world, Batman isn’t coming. So kill the signal and start thinking about what you can do to make yourself better as a single person.

Peace & Love,

Adri