break ups, dating, insecure, sex

“Did You F-k Him?” That time I was almost Issa

SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't seen the latest episode of Insecure that aired on 11/20/16, please stop reading. This entry is littered with spoilers.

If you're a fan of Issa Rae's new hit show "Insecure" you'll recognize the title of this blog as the most pivotal point in the debut series to date.

After years of harboring resentment towards her kind and loyal but often broke and lazy boyfriend, Issa acted out by sleeping with her ex. Viewers across the country let out a collective curse word as they watched her betray Lawrence, her boyfriend of 5 years. What made it worse was that we saw it coming a mile away and couldn't do anything to stop this fictional character from contacting her ex, then hanging out with him, then agreeing to "chill" at the studio.

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But these kinds of scenarios are rarely black-and-white and while I hate infidelity (as someone who was cheated on by an ex who had no idea what "faithful" meant), I was once in a situation that almost made me take that step.

I used to date someone that I thought was I was going to marry. He was kind, devoted (sorta), and had a sense of adventure. But, like Lawrence, he lacked direction. He was always in and out of work. He had great ideas but limited follow-through. The financial burden often fell on me as I struggled to advance within my career while also being in graduate school full time. I was, as the kids call it, "holding him down" because I believed in him.

But as the months dragged on, I noticed something – he stopped trying. Like Issa, I'd often come to my apartment after working and see him chilling on the futon while watching Netflix.

It angered me.

I was angry that he wasn't doing more for himself. I was resentful that I was making it work and he was not. I essentially lost respect for him.

And that's why I started toying with the idea of going out with other guys. I'd say during our arguments (usually about money) that he's lucky because any one else would've cheated on him.

I knew I had to end things when I went out one day for happy hour with coworkers. One of them was attractive and secure and essentially an "itch I wanted to scratch". And believe me, I almost did. While kisses weren't shared or anything like that, I knew that if I wanted to take that step, my colleague would've been down with the get down.

But I chose not to because I thought about the guilt I'd feel afterwards. And THAT is when I knew it was time to break up.

And I did.

While cheating is always wrong in every aspect, sometimes people are not as skilled at stopping themselves before it's too late. We often overestimate our ability to control a situation.

The key is to be honest with yourself and communicate your issues as they come up. Otherwise, you could end up like Issa.

So ladies, what's your story?

Adri

dating, love, relationships, sex

So You Want to Maintain a Roster?

“Been a long time but I’m back with the jumpoff…”

So I got a lot of feedback on my last blog and I gotta tell ya, I couldn’t be more thrilled. The women were appreciative (well most were) and some of the menfolk…well…they’ll live. Remember what I said: hell hath no fury like a misogynistic man confronted with a woman who’s free.

But let me not waste time. I hinted on my social media accounts that there would be a follow up to the last entry and now I’m sharing how to maintain your roster.

Rule #1: Keep it light

It’s self-explanatory but let me go ahead and spell it out for those of us who are hard of hearing: KEEP. IT. LIGHT. I can’t tell you how many times my male friends could barely recall what a woman they were casually dating did for a living – let alone personal details about her life. But some women overshare. You wanna maintain a roster? Keep conversations surface level. Too much information means you’ll have to remember more things and/or feel closer to a mere bench warmer.

Stick to topics like music, reality tv, sports, and the president-elect. Donald Trump alone provides enough conversation material for months.

Rule #2: Remember the small stuff

I know what you’re gonna say: How can I keep it light but also remember the small stuff? Pay attention, because this is crucial: date as many guys as you want but NEVER let them feel like they’re number 1 out of __. Forgetting the basic stuff like their occupation is a recipe for a “you playing games” text. Avoid it by remembering one or two main things during your conversations. Bring up the stepbrother who once spilled hot chocolate all over his shirt. Mention the fact that he was a class clown. Commit that junk to memory because the devil is in the details.

Rule #3: Pace yourself

You are not Wonder Woman, Hermione Granger, or any other fictional character that can bend space and time. Going out with a different guy every day of the week sounds fun until you actually do it. You need a good 36 hours between dates to recharge. Don’t be me – asking a guy where he went to grad school when he NEVER WENT TO GRAD SCHOOL. You’re only human. Get some rest.

Rule #4: Don’t get caught up

This is a bit controversial. “What’s the point of dating if you don’t catch feelings?” you may be wondering.

Pump your brakes.

Dating with a roster isn’t necessarily meant to last forever but you certainly shouldn’t get rid of all the team members the second one of them shows real promise. Or have we forgotten Greg Oden?

Take your time, keep it light, and see who has real staying power.

Peace & Love,

Adri