break ups, dating, insecure, sex

“Did You F-k Him?” That time I was almost Issa

SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't seen the latest episode of Insecure that aired on 11/20/16, please stop reading. This entry is littered with spoilers.

If you're a fan of Issa Rae's new hit show "Insecure" you'll recognize the title of this blog as the most pivotal point in the debut series to date.

After years of harboring resentment towards her kind and loyal but often broke and lazy boyfriend, Issa acted out by sleeping with her ex. Viewers across the country let out a collective curse word as they watched her betray Lawrence, her boyfriend of 5 years. What made it worse was that we saw it coming a mile away and couldn't do anything to stop this fictional character from contacting her ex, then hanging out with him, then agreeing to "chill" at the studio.

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But these kinds of scenarios are rarely black-and-white and while I hate infidelity (as someone who was cheated on by an ex who had no idea what "faithful" meant), I was once in a situation that almost made me take that step.

I used to date someone that I thought was I was going to marry. He was kind, devoted (sorta), and had a sense of adventure. But, like Lawrence, he lacked direction. He was always in and out of work. He had great ideas but limited follow-through. The financial burden often fell on me as I struggled to advance within my career while also being in graduate school full time. I was, as the kids call it, "holding him down" because I believed in him.

But as the months dragged on, I noticed something – he stopped trying. Like Issa, I'd often come to my apartment after working and see him chilling on the futon while watching Netflix.

It angered me.

I was angry that he wasn't doing more for himself. I was resentful that I was making it work and he was not. I essentially lost respect for him.

And that's why I started toying with the idea of going out with other guys. I'd say during our arguments (usually about money) that he's lucky because any one else would've cheated on him.

I knew I had to end things when I went out one day for happy hour with coworkers. One of them was attractive and secure and essentially an "itch I wanted to scratch". And believe me, I almost did. While kisses weren't shared or anything like that, I knew that if I wanted to take that step, my colleague would've been down with the get down.

But I chose not to because I thought about the guilt I'd feel afterwards. And THAT is when I knew it was time to break up.

And I did.

While cheating is always wrong in every aspect, sometimes people are not as skilled at stopping themselves before it's too late. We often overestimate our ability to control a situation.

The key is to be honest with yourself and communicate your issues as they come up. Otherwise, you could end up like Issa.

So ladies, what's your story?

Adri

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