You probably read the title of this post and immediately thought “Oh [bleep], Valentine’s Day is 6 weeks away?!”
Time flies when Trump is president – elect. (By the way, we’re all gonna die.)
Anyways, I’ve written about the joys of being single on Valentine’s Day and I’m a huge proponent of cherishing your own company.
But this post ain’t that. Because let’s face it – while we can enjoy a solo day at the spa, having a tipsy brunch with friends, or the myriad of activities we can get into for the day of love, the reality is that there’s something special about putting on a slip dress and stepping out with bae for a night on the town. (With all drinks on him!)
So what do you do when the day is fast approaching, you want someone to get you a teddy bear, and your phone is drier than Tyrone Biggums’ lips?
Week One: Happy hour, you say?
You gotta go out to be seen and be seen to be taken out. So hit up the happy hours, even if you go to drink one glass of the house red. Get at least two numbers every time you go out. But remember, your likelihood of finding Mr. Right is nearly zero. You’re operating from a space that isn’t conducive to long-term happiness – desperation. Or urgency. I get it, I’ve been there. But don’t get it twisted. Your V-day bae isn’t a keeper. Manage your expectations and collect some digits.
Week Two: Date nights and swipe right
According to the scholarly reviewed Adri Speaks research study, approximately 1/7 guys actually follow through after the initial number exchange. See why it’s important to get a lot of numbers in week one? You’ve got to account for attrition.
This week will be about date nights and firing up your dating apps. If you’re reading this and want to get a box of pharmacy chocolates in 6 weeks, leave your pride aside. And that means leaving your ill-conceived notions about online dating to the curb, as well.
Tinder, Bumble, Soul Swipe, Ok Cupid, and Plenty of Fish are all free and all waiting for you.
Just remember, a date should be an outing. If he’s already asking you to come over to his house, he’s cancelled. Doesn’t make a plan and wants to “play it by ear?” Cancelled. Clearly only going out to see if he can see you naked later? Cancelled. Unless, of course, you wanna get naked. Condom.
Week Three: Dial up the sexy
By this point, you’re probably scheduling another date with two guys and have a texting buddy or two with your online dating flings. Week three is crucial because this is when most people fall off. The guy determines if he feels like burning more gas / spending more cash and you decide if he’s worth your $50 foundation and contour palette.
This is probably the week where you’ve identified one guy that you like more than the others. Turn up the heat. Is there any physical attraction or is he as sexually arousing as a Ken doll?
You know when they say “dress for the job you want”? Well, you’re gonna have to dress for the date you want (right now). For the love of an hourglass figure, flaunt what you’ve got.
Week Four: No new friends
This is purge week. Get rid of stragglers you don’t like and apply pressure to the ones you do like. At this point, it’s too late to tack on any new guys to the roster so don’t even waste your time. If you’ve done things right, you might even have a date for V day already lined up!
But don’t get rid of everyone and keep your online profiles active.
Week Five: Murphy’s Law
Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. And week five is when guys may go ghost, pop up with a girlfriend, or reveal some other unsavory character about himself. Week five is recon week. This is the time to dig through your unread texts and messages and muster up a half-assed “sorry I’ve been swamped at work” response. It may not work but it’s worth trying.
But if nothing of the sort happens, great! You should already have plans set.
Week Six: Basking in the ambiance
Congrats! You’ve completed the guide and it’s Valentine’s week. Now’s a good time to remember that this man is not your boyfriend. He’s a guy who was personable and polite, and who was willing to take you out and help you feel special.
Don’t make it more than what it was.