dating, sex

“Come over and chill” is lame

It’s Friday night. You got home from work an hour ago and you’re drinking your favorite glass of pinot noir after a hot shower. You’re catching up on the latest episode of Being Mary Jane when your phone vibrates. It’s Rob, the guy you went out with twice over the last month and a half. Well this is a pleasant surprise.

R: Hey cutie

You: Hey there. Wassup?

R: Just got in, watching highlights from that Lakers game

You: Yea your boys trash now. My Knicks spanked y’all.

R: Yea whatever. What are you doing? I wanna see you, it’s been a while.

You glance at the clock on the stove. It’s 6:40. You don’t care for last minute plans but Rob seems cool, intelligent, and ambitious. You’re up for a quick bite to eat so you decide to go out with him.

You: Well I got in not too long ago. I could eat 🙂

R: Cool. I figured I can order some Thai, open up this Henny White and Cabernet, and you can come over and chill.


Fellas, please stop inviting strangers over/ asking to come over if you have any intention of taking someone seriously. When you invite a quality woman that you barely know over to your house as a “date,” you’re communicating to her a few things (in no particular order).

  1. You don’t care about your safety. This woman is a virtual stranger that you shared a few laughs and maybe two meals with. Let’s not act like she can’t set you up to get robbed, be a stalker, or something worse. Ladies is pimps, too.
  2. You don’t value her safety. 1 in 6 women have experienced sexual assualt . You can swear to high heaven that you’re not a rapist and you’re likely right, but she doesn’t know that. And while the only person responsible for rape is the rapist, women often take certain precautions to do what little they can to avoid assault. Once she is alone with you, she’s essentially putting herself at a risk. By the way, getting a woman drunk/high so that she’ll have sex with you is rape.
  3. This is a purely physical situation. The moment you invite someone over, you’re implicitly communicating that sex is on the menu and you’re more than willing to partake in some.
  4. You’re cheap/lazy/unimaginative. Inviting someone over is almost always cheaper than going out. You don’t want to spend the money on a date so you’d rather have the fast food version on your turf. If you cared to show someone a good time but are on a budget, you’d likely think of things that are cheap or free. But you won’t. 
  5. You’re not worth her time. If she is looking to date seriously, then you’ve just canceled yourself by putting yourself in the category with the other losers she’s dropped. You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Ladies, if you seriously like someone, love going out, and want a relationship, don’t fall into the “come over and chill” trap. Let’s be crystal clear- once you set the tone for the situation (because it’s not a relationship), that’s it. Before you know it, you’ll be two months into “dating” Rob the chill guy but y’all haven’t done much going out besides stopping by Rite Aid to buy Plan B and picking up General Tso’s chicken from Cheung Hing #1 China Garden, which is around the corner.

You’re not unreasonable, mean, or anything negative for wanting to actually go out and enjoy someone’s company on neutral grounds. If you’ve really gotten to know someone and you’re both comfortable with one another, then by all means, enjoy their time at either their or your own place. But that’s determined by time, mutual respect, and comfort. A man worth your time should know that. 

So after he asks you to come over and chill, politely decline. Then delete his number, if you’re feeling extra ruthless. You have a date Saturday night, anyways.



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