dating, friendships, love

It’s Autumn! Don’t be a #pickme.

As cuffing season *cue eyeroll* bears its pumpkin-spiced flavored head on us, I wanted to remind you to not fall victim to the trap that is the #pickme.

There’s something about autumn that brings about a sense of wistfulness. Perhaps it’s the changing leaves, cooler temperatures, or spooky movies that can cause some of us to feel a bit lonely. After all, with backdrops that are Instagrammable and endless opportunities for couples costumes, autumn can feel like a great time to have a boo of your own.

I encourage all of my single readers to date casually during this time, being sure not to settle for substandard behavior that you’ll regret sooner than you can say “what’s your Netflix password?” Don’t let the fear of loneliness allow you to sell yourself short for cheap thrills.

And because I’m an educator and coach, and I love you all so much, I’ve provided real ways for you to silence the pickme within and forge ahead. You can stay the course without being lonely and compromising your values.

Scenario 1: It’s a cold, rainy night and you’re three glasses of wine in as you watch the next episode of Modern Love.

Cute boy who’s up to no good texts you: hey beautiful, what are you up to?
You respond “hey there! nothing much, drinking a glass of red and watching Modern Love. You?”
He senses (because you pretty much confirmed you’re alone) the opening and responds with “sounds like a nice night in. I actually have a great bottle of South African pinot noir I’ve been waiting to open up. Want some company? No pressure.”

The #pickme within will think “what’s the harm? He said no pressure. Plus I can’t always expect that he spend money on me” when you know full well that you’re vulnerable and liable to make a bad decision. Under the best of circumstances, you’d be tempted, so a lonely night in is a trip to get Plan B waiting to happen. Respond with “that’s sweet but I’m not comfortable with that. Happy to see you at another time!” And put your phone down.

Scenario 2: You’ve been dating a guy for two months and are beginning to have doubts about him

His attitude is at times very petty, he doesn’t like your friends, he is rude to waitstaff, and he has a mean streak that he’s never directed at you but you’ve seen enough times to note that it’s scary.

Other than that, he’s been incredibly nice to you and is generous, offering you a monthly allowance, connecting you with business opportunities, and he’s even planning a trip to Paris for Thanksgiving. But you can’t shake the feeling that this isn’t working well and you’re not with someone who is kind.

Solution: Trust yourself and end things immediately. Get it out of your mind that you can’t have a partner who is as kind as they are generous. You can. And to believe otherwise will have you settling for a potentially toxic and abusive person. So what if you were looking forward to taking pictures with the Eiffel Tower in the background while wearing your chic fall looks? There will be better opportunities.

Instead of dating from a pickme mindset, take the time to fill yourself with positive and edifying activities and experiences in the following ways:

Take a fitness class
Take a free online course
Learn a new language using Duolingo or Busuu (I prefer Busuu)
Check out your area’s local publication to find free or low cost events
Patronize your local library and rent books
Get a beauty treatment
Volunteer in your community
Plan a solo trip, either domestically or abroad
Spend time with friends
Talk to your parents or grandparents while they’re still here

Peace & Love,

Adri

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