break ups, dating, relationships, self awareness

For Chosen Girls: When You Are Enough

Boy I gotta shake it off

Gotta do what’s best for me

Baby and that means I gotta

Shake you off

I have never outright told a friend that they should break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend until very recently. And even in that case, it wasn’t a direct “girl, you better drop that fool”. It was more like “this isn’t healthy for you. It seems like it would be best for you if you ended it.” I try to be balanced. Few things are more aggravating than being a staunch supporter of your friend’s breakup, only to have her mend things a few days later. So I play it cool. Only she knows when enough is enough. And that’s what I wanted to discuss.

Sometimes, the instincts that tell you to blow that popsicle stand are right. And they don’t have to kick in due to mistreatment, abuse, or infidelity. Far too many of us have been conditioned to believe that those are the only reasons to end a relationship. In my experience, I’ve seen more women stay in dead end relationships because they cling to the title of being someone’s girlfriend/fiance/wife. Being “chose” is something too many of us view as an honor. Like damsels in distress- we wait to be selected and ultimately base our sense of value on how often it happens. And because of that, we hold on to dead, toxic, or unsatisfying relationships for way too long.

“He may bore me to tears but at least he treats me right.”

“We’re worlds apart and don’t have any of the same passions but he spoils me.”

“He may be emotionally detached but I can count on him.”

Enough.

Sometimes, the “fight or flight” instinct is activated for a pretty damn good reason. It’s up to you to know whether the situation is worth fighting for or if you should flee from it. Now, I know some of you will take my view with a few grains of salt. I’ve already shared that I tend to end things, sometimes prematurely. But what I haven’t shared is that I spent my early twenties holding on to dead situationships as if it was a sport.Red flags would be in front of me like a full blown color guard routine and I remained blissfully stuck in my ways, with rose-colored glasses super glued to my face.

I know what it’s like to be on the other side.The gut feeling you have that you push to the recesses of your mind when he dismisses your ideas, or ignores your call, or simply annoys you by being around- it matters! Address it all. Women sometimes fight desperately to ignore the red flags because we don’t want to have to start the search all over again. We don’t want to have to ceremoniously take down the “coupley” pictures on social media. We don’t want to explain to our loved ones about what went wrong, yet again.

I’m not here to break up a happy home or make you cast doubt on your relationship. I just happen to know how difficult it can be to end a relationship with someone, who for all intents and purposes, is a good guy. But you’re not looking for someone who’s “good enough”.

 

You are good enough.

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