break ups, dating, love, relationships, self awareness

Stay Low and Bullsh-t

“We can stay low and build.”

These words were texted to a young woman who was questioning the direction of her relationship with someone. You may be familiar with the phrase because during a fit of a rage/sadness, she shared the text conversation on Twitter, citing it as evidence that she had been played and mistreated.

Long before #uberbae  and #hurtbaethere was the #staylowandbuildbae.

And much to her chagrin, few people rallied around her but rather used the text thread against her. It was pretty obvious that he was playing her with “stay low and build,” right? Well, maybe.

Long before staying low and building, women have been told to “keep it on the down low,”  “keep things quiet,” and a host of other creative ways to basically shut the hell up about the non-relationship. But discretion doesn’t automatically equate to nefarious intentions. Sometimes, it’s just about the personalities of the people in the couple-ship.

For example, I’m relatively low-key about sharing details about my significant other, both before and after we decided to be in a committed relationship. No one but us knows personal details and we’re keeping it that way.

It may also be a good idea to keep your dating situation on the low if you’re dating several people who are in the same social circles. Running your mouth prematurely may (read: will) jeopardize your prospects with others who don’t want to be associated as 1 out of the several that you’re dealing with.

So how do you know if someone is moving in silence because they want to keep things simple or to string you along?

  1. Ask them about their intentions. Early. If you know you’re looking for a committed relationship, say that (without demanding one), and ask him directly what he wants.
  2. Pay attention to how he acts when you’re out in public. Are you going to places that are in the cut? Is he often looking around, as if he’s on edge?
  3. Does he remember key details about you or are things pretty shallow? I don’t mean if he remembers your birthday – does he remember that you prefer tomatoes on your sandwich, or vodka over cognac? Random details are hard to keep track of if you don’t take an actual interest in a person.
  4. Is there any progression in your relations? Have you met key friends, family, and associates?
  5. Has he asked you for things that are “girlfriend-esque” but never discussed a commitment?

The main things you want to look for are transparency and sincerity. And neither of those traits can be proven by saying a few words. Words, action, and consistency should all be working together to show you that the person you’re dating is taking you seriously, whether he’s shouting it from the rooftop or not.

But be honest with yourself. Are you keeping things hush-hush because that’s how you move or because that’s how you’ve been told to move?


Peace & Love,