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School is Out

Alicia Keys’ “Lesson Learned” plays from my Spotify Web Player as my fingers hover over this keyboard- unsure about how to start or where to begin. I don’t have a plan for this entry. I don’t have any cute anecdotes or advice to give. I don’t feel very wise, right now. I woke up this morning feeling better than I did yesterday. So instead of feeling like a fool, today I just feel silly. Instead of feeling used, today I feel overzealous. Instead of feeling burned, today I feel stung.

Baby steps, I suppose.

I’m struggling to find the underlying meaning in recent events and it’s bothering me that I can’t identify what I’m sure is a profound lesson. There is comfort in meaning. Applying a lesson to a bad situation gives that situation context. Should I have done things differently? Should I have asked more questions? Should I…? I refuse to accept that things happen just to happen because that means that I am at risk of repeating this mistake and I never want to feel like this again.

I worked so hard to become more open and vulnerable. I ignored my natural inclination to be guarded, suspicious, and hesitant and instead tapped into parts of my heart that I only reserve for those I deem particularly special.

Behold: the result of being vulnerable.

I’m likely to relapse.

I’m an addict. I’m addicted to rules, tactics, and strategy. I feel like if you play by the rules that work for you, you’ll win. During my whole vulnerability stint, I abandoned a fair amount of those rules for a more organic “let’s just see how it flows” connection. I felt safe enough to do so. I went with my gut instead of my head. I behaved as if feeling what I feel now was not a possibility.

Lesson learned.

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